she lies

I'm doing nothing right now. and here i go again. murmuring about nonsense things. blankly staring at the ceiling. singing unknown songs. counting the days for nothing. becoming insane... again. and i am daydreaming... again.


I'm afraid there's something wrong with the way you look at me. You're eyes tell something different from the words coming from your mouth. and you make me confused of your actions. and scared, too. no matter how many times i see your face, i still feel the wall that can never be penetrated between us. i guess our lives have been full of lies. you're really fond of deception. anyway, I'm strong. don't be afraid to leave me in the dark when you feel like leaving. because i assure you that i can still walk even in the absence of light, in the middle of rocky and muddy road, and in the deafening silence of that damn place where you let me live for more than a century.

i hope you're not mad. that still now I'm thinking about such silly things that we have already talked about so many times before. but i couldn't sleep and my mind had been traveling to many places that i never thought existed. i fell. i ached. i bled. and now i am being hunted by the souls on that place. they are annoying.

then you would tell how much the world look nice due to my existence. and that i changed everything in this planet for you and that i can rule the world with my strength, knowledge, and determination. but you would fail to recognize my effort of doing something for others... or for you either. you are very inconsistent sometimes. i wonder where those words come from so i know if i should believe in every phrase that people could hear from you. why would you say I'm good if you think I'm really not? and why would you say you care if you're not really concern? you're killing me.

and you always hate me for thinking about such stupidity.

but i know they are all lies. i know I am just being defeated by my nonsense thoughts. my paranoia is getting worse everyday. and I'm mad that it has to ruin us every time. those moments when i know everything is real are all treasured and forever be remembered. even if my instinct tells me that tomorrow will not be the same as yesterday.

anyway, i learned to look at the other side of every dilemma. like you always tell me. now i just ignore every simple action that you do that would again make me feel different. I am used to all to all of those now. you should be proud of me. ignore my sensitivity sometimes, too. but try to analyze my problems on those moments when you know that everything does not run as smooth as it was before. i am in my highest stage of paranoia now. and tomorrow I'll be drowning.

and always remind me how important i am to you. you know, people forget. and i want to remember that kind of thing as often as possible. like i always do to you.