order no. 713xxxxx

Random things for random people.

• Hey, you're such a good person...you made me hate myself so much. Thank you for your presence... and for everything.
• Where do you get your strength? Do you cry at nights too? I'm glad I have you in our lives. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
• I will never forgive you nor forget you. Forever. In fact, everything is mapped...especially for you.
• Be good. Don't admire me. Just listen to everything I say.
• I may not be able to show you my affection, but you know what kind of person I am. I'm proud of you...you have no idea that I look at everyone with tears in my eyes. I love each one of you. I swear to God.
• What were you thinking when you started to ruin everything? I am what I am right now because of you. Damn, I still love you.
• I wish I could tell you, but I can't. So don't ask again because I will never change my mind.
• Don't make fun of me, idiot. You don't know me well.
• Don't say any thing about me... even the best adjectives in the dictionary.
• I wish I were you. I wish I could be like you. You cause depression so I wish you'd get lost and never come back.
• You're the reason why I believe that God still wants me to be happy. I never imagined that such kind of friendship is possible. I thank God for our team.
• When will be my turn? Is there anything for me? You must be preparing it right now. Take you time. I'm still on the process of learning the art of patience.
• Hey, thanks. You're the closest companion I have today. Be brave. I wish you all the best on earth.
• I miss you. Where did all those things go? We've lost so many things already. I hope we could still pick up the pieces, but I'm hopeless. Anyway, I'm still in for some jamming and drinking sessions. Just in case you like.
• I'm disappointed. I heard something deppressing and confusing from your mouth and I knew that this moment will come since then. Thank you for sharing what you know. I will never forget you, anyway. Never.
• What's the point of seeing again?! Oh maybe we could meet again so I could tell you that there's nothing to hope for... and that I'm sorry because I had never given you at least a pea size part of my heart. Sorry. Really.
• I heard you're happy. Good. At least you have someone to accompany you when you go to hell. This is not bitterness...this is madness. On the other hand, I must thank you. Were you the one who taught me the two most important things on earth? Love and Music. I'm happier now, just so you know.
• I have nothing against you. Don't be too ambitious. I haven't gone down to your level yet. No, I will never do that.
• I'm so proud of you. Your existence makes me believe that everything is possible...and that I'm alive and capable of doing something worthy. Keep on shining!
• I'm boyfriend-ed...and I, definitely, am not interested.
• You're always on the right time, but I will always be the wrong person. But thanks, buddy, really... for your time and effort.
• Shot shot shot! I wanna throw up! :p
• You're a blessing. Someday you'll understand why I need to be in denial all the time.
• Are you numb, guys??? Hello! I want you to get out of our lives.
• Everyone has darker sides, so don't treat me as if I'm abnormal.

a letter to You

Dear God,

Here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone. It's supposed to be good but it sounds strange to me in some ways. Have I told you before that I'm in ecstasy whenever I hear the name? And I'm dreaming that I would gain something from that someone someday. Whatever it is that make me satisfied, I don't know. I don't wanna know.

I hate the words from the mouth of that person, they make me weak. Every word crawls to every smallest part of my vein, like electricity... always in for the kill. But the sound of that voice penetrates my pores, making me tremble, making me faint... worst, making me shout and cry for so much joy. Sometimes, that voice makes me want to vomit, but that rarely happened. No, that never happened. Because all words were absorbed, even the softest sound, even the periods, and the comma, and the exclamation mark of every statement. Words suck my strength until I could move nor cry no more.

They say it's illusion. Who the hell said that? I say it's foolishness. And being insane is far better than hopeless imagination. I'm crazy. If that's the only excuse to keep myself away from reality, I'd embrace it. With all my heart. With my body and soul.

Then, I heard it. I heard the calmest sound on earth... and everything turned blue. No, everything turned red. It soothes the pain and uneasiness in the marrow of my bones. Oh please, I don't want this to be real. Let it go back to where it came from and visit me in my dream. That voice is the sweetest dream ever,I want it stay that way.

God, are you kidding me?
Someone told me that dreams are dreams because they can't be real. But as I grow old, I become aware that that fact does not conform to the real scenario in this world. So bad. I once dreamt of that voice, and it's becoming real. I was hesitant, but it appeared right before my eyes, inviting, loving, soothing. Hey, are dreams made to be real?

And now, here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone... with that calm and loving voice. With the sound of life and endless affection. Something goes right and that voice would remain at peace. When everything gone wrong, the voice still remains. Indeed, a weird voice. A weird personality.

As days pass by, I become more ecstatic and confused with the presence of that sound. Abstract yet visible. It continues to shed light to my dark soul. It steals my consciousness. It keeps me alive and dead at the same time. I hate it. No, I love it.

I have one wish, and I hope You would listen and put the joke on me... if answering a weird prayer would mean a serious joke. Of all the dreams I had in my sleep, I wish this one, the voice of that someone, would remain a dream forever. Please, don't make this real... for real always has an ending. It always has a limitation. It restricts everything. So keep it in me, through my dreams.

Please let me give my trust fully. Let me listen to that voice with no hesitations in mind and fears in my heart. Let that voice serve as your bridge through me. I'm afraid but I'm still willing to listen. Despite the broken heart.

Could I possibly have it? That one wish? Yes, I know you know better. It's a wish. Just like a daughter wanting a rug doll from her mother for Christmas. Just like an unsold pair of shoes in the store, wanting to be owned by someone. I just want something to remain part of the ordinary.

And here I go again.

I'm dreaming of something real.

Something that is already an inch away. A word away. A world away.

Can I have it forever? I know it's willing to stay... so I'm the one who needs to be healed. I need your encouragement. And I need its presence.

As for now, let me dream. And make it real when I'm done closing the darkest door of suffocating past.

I'm dreaming of that someone now... everything is perfect... it's scary..it's so real. I will dream until I get lost.


Love,
Your beloved daughter

No Title

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia:	Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

The table above is the result of my depression test which I've taken today... after I finally realized that I've been feeling restless these past few weeks/months for no apparent reason. Actually, I'm worried but not sure if this is because I have a lot of things to think about or just worried because I've been just insanely feeling worried.

Honestly, I cannot tell the problems, not because I don't want the people around me to know what those problems are but because I am not really aware of what are the things that have been bothering me lately.

Have you ever felt like talking about something to a close friend but cannot even tell what specific problem you'd like to point out until you decide to keep your mouth shut because you're just being stupid and tired of thinking what to say? So I'm perfectly insane today... Because I'm surrounded by friends and loved ones but I still feel alone. Maybe I'm afraid... I fear seeing them laugh when I say that I'm being hunted by ghosts. Besides they'll never understand so I cannot see the point of trying to talk about how depressed I am and why I am having that feeling.

I even hate myself for hating other people when they're giving conclusions why I've been acting tired, restless, or irritated these past few days. As if they know what I am going through. They would say, 'oh, you feel that way because you do this and you do that, and that's wrong, and this is right, and you must do this and you must avoid that'. Of course, I cannot blame them, they say those things because I don't say what's on my mind. See? It's just getting bigger and confusing everyday.

People would say I'm 'physically present, mentally absent' at all time, and would suggest that I'm having a problem because there's a certain issue in my life that I should not be doing or even thinking right now. B***s**t. I wish I could shout and tell them to leave me alone,.. maybe they could see the current situation, but they would never ever see the background and root of everything. I won't allow them.

I hate to see them worrying,too. But there's no way out.

Well.

I was asked if I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night... if I feel like crying for no reason at all... if I wake up in the middle of the night or before the proper time to get up... if I'm having a hard time concentrating on a specific thing... if I often feel restless... if I think that life is no longer worth living.... and so on and so forth. Well, all that things happen to me and there is definitely an explanation behind that but I would of course say, despite the fact that I respond to those questions was the "most of the time" tab in red colour and bold letters, I happen to feel those because I apparently am not aware why I become stocked in this situation.

And so, to sum it up, I'm deeply depressed. Period.


Anyway, I created a new account in other blog site. I'd like to write my other pensamientos there. I just noticed that this account is full of angst and grievances and I would like to write something else. But because I'm not mentally, emotionally, and physically okay right now, I cannot start blogging there yet. I'd like to write about anything under the sun...everything, as long as it's not personal. I want to feel free at least through writing. Free from everything.

insignificant

so unhappy.

so dissatisfied.

so numb.

too conscious.

just few more days and everything will fall into pieces.

few more hours of being insane.

being suffocated by polluted wind.

running out of reasons to keep on living normally.

running after nothing.

hiding from no one.

physically alive.

mentally dead.

hating everything.... and everyone.

about to explode.

nothing. no one.

trapped.

a pain in the a**.

unhealthy.

someday...

the surrounding will go back to how it used to be. so __ ___.

...thoughts.

... pensamientos.

*not a love story. not a serious blog posts either... just a corny joke.

Nostalgia and Paranoia Attack = Emo-syon

Attention: This post is too serious that you might think that the author is a total stranger. I might sound emo (duh!) if that is what you call to the person who rarely write something different about herself. You may also be surprised by the content for I never mentioned some parts of this blog entry before. So just read them , because you will never hear it from me in person. haha!

There it goes....

I always have a reputation of being independent. My family and friends have been telling me how hard-headed I am specially on those issues where I need to be more careful and sensitive. Ooopps, don't get me wrong. I'm not proud to say this, but the people around me seem to be surprised in every action or every statement that I say and do which often result to negative impression. So, if you're reading this and you do not know me, you might think that I am a rebel and misunderstood. But no, whether you believe it or not, I have a lot of friends and my family loves me so much. If there's one thing that I'm always proud of, it is the idea that I have a lot of people that I know would never fail to back me up in my worst time of the day. So when people raise their eyebrows on my behaviour, I'm not bothered... those people who love me for I am are aware that I talk, act, and even dress the way that will be comfortable and satisfying for myself.

If I sound arrogant sometimes, this is not because I just want to hurt somebody's feelings. Yes, I sometimes talk carelessly, but because of the type of environment I grew up to, and the things happened in my life before I reached this age, I learned to be more sensitive of other's emotions. So, I also learned to be more sarcastic (sarcasm doesn't help all the time, but on certain issues, yes.) rather than be honest when I want to point out something that would break the heart of others. And until this moment, I think it's more effective.

I grew up with rage in my heart. That is something that will never ever be eradicated from me until death... unless I let it go. But those traumatic incidents resulted to more conflicting ones which made me plant more rage as I grow old. On the positive light, I became mature... and I have set in mind that I could never be the person that I am now if those things did not happen in my life....our lives. At least, I am aware that some bad incidents provide good results at the end. But, the end will never justify the means. And so, the rage planted more roots in my heart.

That is the reason why I hate rejections.
.... failure.
.... unanswered questions.
.... judgemental minds.
.... unrequited love.

I shared everything, the story of the past and my feelings toward the situations today to only one person. Aside from God, I know everything would be safe on that person. No, it's not that I am ashamed (somehow, yes), but I do not really want to open the topic or even look back at those moments, it breaks the life that I forced to be as organized as I can. The very thought of it breaks me into pieces... and I haven't gotten over it yet. No, I will never get over it. Never. My life sucks. And I'm trying to live like a normal human being. No past. No future. Though, I'm aiming to have a brighter tomorrow for I've been living in the dark for ages.

So here I am now, product of the past, with fears and ambitions, rage and expectations. The person who knows everything would say "Enough, let it go. Free yourself from it." My heart would respond, "You just don't understand, I want to be free myself, but the ghosts do not want to let me."

Bitterness. Revenge. Wounds. Avoidance. Hesitations. Paranoia. Those moments marked these things in my mind. And I know, these things imprison me and hinder me to live freely. I wonder what I was in my past life and what I will be in my next.


Yes, the world changes and so the people and other elements included in it. Somehow, I changed... but the things happened yesterday remained the same. Too bad. I changed my perceptions in life, but the history which has been the foundation of my identity and my personality had been written. It will never ever change despite all the prayers that I used to say before I sleep at night. God has a purpose. I'm not yet ready to know that purpose.

And today, I'm a grown up. One day, I realized that I'm no longer a kid. I learned to let go of the things that I know would be better in someone else's hands, cry in silence, say words that are soft but would bring a lot of meanings to their ears, and stand like I never got wounded. But one more thing that I learned out of the things happened as I grow up is to expect for the good things to end. It has been my biggest fear. It may sound positive on some issues specifically the unstable ones, but it also affect my perspectives as a human being. My mind is always ready for heartbreaking scenarios... it kills the pain and expectations. It's like a comfortable hug from a friend when you are in distress... after a while, you know, it would end. They would eventually move backward. Like a kiss when you want to escape for a while and feel the love of a special someone, you know, it would end... it should only last for a second.

So I learned to do things on my own... face troubles on my own... and ease the pain without others knowing that I am hurt. Unfortunately, those things are more painful. When I think that I can do everything on my own, I'm becoming more violent inside.

I never get emotional about serious matters. When I have the authority on specific subjects, I rarely use my emotions to solve conflicts. And like what I said earlier, it has been more effective... but I always get an impression of being approachable but stone-hearted. Yes, ironic.

The past and the people around me, friends and enemies, teach me well. The people that I admire make me set standard for myself. I become more ambitious. And I began to love myself more. The admirers (not suitors) make me ashamed of small contributions and lesser knowledge. So I become more ambitious. And I began to strive for more. My buddies, who have seen me in my ups and downs, provide room for fun and confessions. These people open my eyes to see the real world and say things that would either encourage and discourage me to do what I want. No, they never told me what to do, but at least they serve as inspiration and guidance in making decisions.

I do not give and ask for advice because I hate invading other's privacy... I believe in the saying "do not do unto others what you do not want to do unto you." So I do not give unasked advice too, I always think it will be trespassing someone else's privacy... I always ask for opinion when I think I need some guidance. It's been important that I hear their thoughts about my actions and my plans despite the fact that the people closest to me always tell me that my pride eats me out. They say I have a huge ego... bigger than I thought.

Needless to say, my plans are already properly mapped. It already has arrows and instructions on where to go to and how to reach those goals. Ironically, my heart and mind have been separated ever since this journey began. My mind wants to go there, but my heart wants something else. My mind always wins... and I'm glad. However, recently, I realized that I'm beginning to listen to what my heart wants to say. I'm starting to convince myself that happiness is far better than any achievement that a person could get. So this makes me hesitant... and this makes me stop dreaming for a while. No regrets. But I feel millions of reasons to be worried. And that make a lot of difference. Suddenly, my pride gave me enough courage to do something that is not included in my plan. I gambled... and the game has just started. Somehow, I blame myself for being such a jerk. Do I know what I'm doing? Definitely, yes. I'm losing something over something. Then, I realized that it's my life... and nobody can control this other than myself. However, I was attacked by the thought of being me, what if I don't want this any more? Am I just going to throw it all away? Maybe. Natural order of things. again.... for me. All things would eventually end... and people would definitely die... I'm no exception.

After reading this, you might say "Ah, kaya pala". You might probably look back at those moments when I speak my mind freely, ignoring the reactions of other people, leaving them admiring or hating me, and trying to keep my composure in the middle of commotion. No, don't conclude yet, this is just part of the story. What I am in front of my family and friends, or even in front of strangers is real... no mask. I only have secrets, but the person that people see in me expresses natural behaviors. I still belive in the theory of "the I and the me", though.

I'm growing old... I'm getting older everyday... and everything is getting more serious. The black hidden agenda hinders liberty. I would assure myself that when I die, I could tell everyone that I had a great journey. And today, I'm living my life to the fullest!

sweet August

I am in big trouble right now. My friends are right, August is a very remarkable month. Personally, it has been the most awaited month since Jake and I got together. I've been waiting for this month to come because, like others, this is the time when my significant other and I could celebrate another year of having a healthy relationship. But this year is totally different. August seems to give the hardest slap that we can ever experience in our entire lives. No, I'm not just talking about our relationship, I'm talking about the things happened these past few days that ruined the days and broke the hearts of the people that are important to us. The start of this month has been full of controversies, conflicts, and unexpected things. This is definitely one hell of a month!

Don't get me wrong, Jake and I have no problem with our relationship. At least I could say that everything is smooth between us now. What made August a month to remember are the stories of the people around us and the decisions that Jake and I need to make for ourselves. This is unquestionably the toughest month of the year. I heard the problems of my friends, and I've been confused these past few days because of the things that I cannot open to just anyone, except to my friends who could definitely understand my worries. I couldn't say that I just need a moment to regain my strength and look forward again to the latter part of this month because it would definitely take our whole lives to forget the situations that we are in right now and live according to what these unexpected events brought us.

Right now, I am not in a good condition. I am physically fine, but my mind has been tired of thinking about things that I thought unnecessary, but now I feel that I need to make proper decisions to address those conflicts. Of course, I know what to do with these problems, but I still need to consider the people around me which makes it hard to decide. At first I thought everything will be as good as I imagined it to be. I thought it would be easy living my life to the way far different from what my parents showed me when I was young and innocent.

I know what I WANT to do. I know what I NEED to do either. In my situation right now, these facts are two conflicting ideas that wake me up even in the middle of the night. I know I need to decide before this month ends. No, not because 'they' are forcing me to make a decision, but because I want everything to be in the right place before I do the next action. Settled. No more unclosed conversation. Whatever happens after this long process of decision making, I am going to stand strong with what position I would choose. I know I am mature enough to be responsible with my actions. It is just a rhetorical question, but I could not answer yet.... not only because I am hesitant but because I know that I should not rush everything...specifically the very serious matters. So when the time is up and the decision making is finally over, I would be very confident with my answer... regardless of how many people would shake their heads in disappointment. But one thing is certain, when I answer, it will be forever. That moment would probably be the start or the end of something.

Jake and I are planning to go out of town at the end of the month. It will be a short vacation. How I wish we could go back to yesterday when we come back from that romantic vacation.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I looked at this statement for a very long time. For a few minutes I became undecided of what should I answer to a very simple question.

I was speechless and hesitant but I can feel that my heart leaps for joy at the moment I read this phrase. I couldn't speak but I know that many things could be done if I don't feel the fears that have been oppressing me and blocking my way to happiness and satisfaction.

Last night, out of boredom, I read a book entitled "Who Moved My cheese?". I've been seeing that book for almost six months already but I never took time to open it until I finally decided to browse it while waiting for the proper time to sleep. And so I began reading it without thinking that I might be affected at the end.

The question that actually moved me was not the title of the book itself, but the question "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" on the latter part of the book. What would I do If I'm not afraid? What if I don't recognize the fears that I feel deep inside my veins when I want to do something? What hinders me to go for a change? The answers to these questions are still vague as of this moment.

Finally, out of desperation, I silently answered the question with full of courage. Maybe, I'd do everything that will make me happy. Maybe, I'd leave my job, my family, and forget all the people around me and focus on my dreams. Maybe, I'd shop and stroll the biggest malls until I get tired and drop out of stress. Maybe I'd drink until I throw up. Will that make me any better? I don't know. For a very short time, I feel ecstatic, but the fears came back and made me forget the things that I was imagining just a while ago. What are those things that I'm afraid of? I know. I am aware what those things are... but I cannot enumerate them all.... I am afraid. I am afraid not only because people would learn my weaknesses, but because I don't want to realize that i am already aware of the things that I want to forget and eventually eradicate from my life. I am afraid to recognize them. I am afraid to leave them.

If only I have the courage to do all, I would surely be the happiest person ever existed on earth. I may not execute all the actions that I've been planning for a very long time, but at least I know that i am capable of doing those.

According to the main character of the book, it will take a long process. It will take time and effort. First, you need to let go of your fears one by one. People cannot easily let go of the things that they get used to.Human nature. When you become familiarized with specific actions with certain persons, you would definitely have a hard time doing the same actions with different set of people or vice versa. Natural order of things. However, there are moments when people need to look for a change in order for them to grow and move on with their lives. It may sound strange that most people would stay in their comfort zones and keep on doing the same old things in exchange with the bright future ahead of them. Oftentimes, the comfort zone is the most dangerous place... but the fact that people become accustomed to its surrounding gives a great impact on their decision to stay regardless of the hardships that they experience on that pedestrian lane. Those people are coward... and i am one of them.


It's not proper to just stay quiet when you see that something is wrong and you are involved in whatever result may come up at the end. It's wrong to hide behind the closet and cry silently when you think people should hear your sentiments. It's okay to admit that you're hurting... that you're extremely sad... or that you're feeling bad about their actions. Sarcasm doesn't work all the time. It's okay to shout when you're mad, laugh when you're happy, and undress when you feel you want to be naked. Why do people always consider others' opinions?

Sometimes, you are being ignored despite your effort. They would not treat you fairly in spite of your determination to prove your worth. Reality bites.
If you feel you're no longer important, go!
If you're not valued, move!
If you're not loved, don't ask for affection, walk away!
It might be hard at first, but you will be the one to benefit at the end. Remember, it's their loss, not yours.

See? I know what to do, but I do not know where to start. Apparently, I've seen the solutions to these problems, I just don't want to start yet. Not now. I will wait for the right moment to come.

At the end of that reading, I learned that it's okay to take a risk.... it's okay to look for a change. Sometimes, taking risks is more worthy than the memories that the comfort zones provide for those people who have been imprisoned there for seemingly million years.


"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

I WOULD RUN AWAY.....

a fake story

Thinking about those things never made her optimistic. These past few days have been very tiring for her. But she has been stressed for no apparent reason. Random images keep on flashing to her mind but she was not able to recognized any of those... until she had finally convinced herself that she needs to see a doctor. According to her personality test she is highly paranoid and histrionic. Maybe, she has totally gone insane. Good for her.

She hates everyone around her. Aside from those people who frankly said that they don't like her, she started to hate the presence of the people who keep on saying that they love her. No, it's not that she does not want a company anymore... but it's just because she had realized that these people are just the same. They would listen to her, then eventually, hate her for her opinions... and her actions. She is not depressed because she feels like nobody is willing to give her time any more, but it's the idea of wanting to escape and go to far away land but couldn't find an opportunity because everyone tries to hug her as if they know what is on her mind. They are just as crazy as she is.

She is not sick... but she often feels the pain on her head... slowly going downward to her chest... and the pain would stay there for a very long time until she could no longer stand it.

She wants to thank everyone around her, but they seem to focus only on the stories that she keeps on telling in front of them over and over again. Then she became mad... but she could not tell them for they are the important persons in her story. She became jealous of everybody's achievements but could not accept the idea so she always pinch herself every time this thought comes to her mind. They are not true... they are just part of her novel.

She always hear that phrase from their mouths, but the statement seems unreal for her. She is just being fooled by them... they are lying. She knows that, because when they told her that she is valuable, she would see the evidences of lying.. and those are often transparent... enough to make her understand everything. She has reached the period where she often feel tired and distressed... and those things made her numb of every pain that may ruin her concentration. They are all liars.... and someday, when she get the chance and energy to do what she wants, she would leave them... like what they did to her in the past. And she would never look back because she does not want to break the strong determination inside her. She will just walk away.

unsent letter

You've been scaring the hell out of me! I wonder why you love to take risks. You have never asked me how i feel about your decisions... your actions... about everything. Have you ever said thank you to those people who love me for who i am and accepted me for what i have? No,,, you will never do that... because you have no idea how terrible my days were...how mad i am... how broken i am... and how affected my life is. I wish i have the courage to tell you. I wish i could say it to your face. so you'll know that I'm still remembering all those things. and my heart is full of hatred now. i wish you'll have the chance to know how those things affected my life, how those pleasurable moments for you turned me to be the worst person that i am now.

Where were you during those sleepless nights? those times when i wanted to tell you how bad the guys were in my dream... and how big the serpents were... and how dark the cave was. i was afraid to wake you up because i knew you would say i was lunatic. and we both hate awkward moments. You are near... i can even hear your breath and your laugh and your whispers....but no, you're very distant. I cannot hug you. I can never reach you. And I know that's exactly how you feel too.


I was wondering too if you could share your opinion when somebody broke my heart. Am I supposed to cry or should i fight back? Is it alright to tell the whole world that you're alone even if many people could still salvage you from distress? How am I going to heal a broken heart when all I could remember are the painful things that you have given me? I want you to tell me if I'm doing the right thing and I have finally found the right person. I need your opinion. I want you to say how proud you are of me when somebody told me that I am worth loving... and that I deserve all the best things on earth.


Oh yes, I understand. You can't share whatever is on your mind... because you know I would never listen to you. You know that I will just ignore you... just how you ignored me when I told you that our lives are being affected by the unfairness of society... and that our reputation have already been damaged. Unfortunately, we're not that kind of persons. We will never talk as if we are the actors in one of the most awaited films. We both hate drama. Our lives are full of tragedy... or comedy rather.


But you matter a lot to me. How I wish you have an idea how much I wanted to give all the greatest things to you and to all the people that are connected to us. You taught me how to be firm by letting me go out alone. I wish someday you'll learn who I really am. Maybe you'll love me when you discover that I'm good in some fields that you never thought possible. You'll be surprised.. and you'll be proud. Or maybe, you're going to hate me when you learn that I'm a tough person sometimes... that I gained a lot of friends but I have more enemies because I am sometimes perceived as arrogant. But a lot of people love me. They think I'm fun to be with... and they think I'm smart... just like you.


Someday, I'm going to have the life that I have been dreaming of. And I swear to myself that before I do that, I'm going to thank you for all the bad and good things that you have done for me. How I wish you will still be there to witness how good I will be... I'm going to make you feel that you have made the right or wrong decision. But you know after all this, I'm going to head my way to where I belong. And now, I must say, after what happened, you're still the greatest assets in my life. I never forget to thank you for that.