sweet August

I am in big trouble right now. My friends are right, August is a very remarkable month. Personally, it has been the most awaited month since Jake and I got together. I've been waiting for this month to come because, like others, this is the time when my significant other and I could celebrate another year of having a healthy relationship. But this year is totally different. August seems to give the hardest slap that we can ever experience in our entire lives. No, I'm not just talking about our relationship, I'm talking about the things happened these past few days that ruined the days and broke the hearts of the people that are important to us. The start of this month has been full of controversies, conflicts, and unexpected things. This is definitely one hell of a month!

Don't get me wrong, Jake and I have no problem with our relationship. At least I could say that everything is smooth between us now. What made August a month to remember are the stories of the people around us and the decisions that Jake and I need to make for ourselves. This is unquestionably the toughest month of the year. I heard the problems of my friends, and I've been confused these past few days because of the things that I cannot open to just anyone, except to my friends who could definitely understand my worries. I couldn't say that I just need a moment to regain my strength and look forward again to the latter part of this month because it would definitely take our whole lives to forget the situations that we are in right now and live according to what these unexpected events brought us.

Right now, I am not in a good condition. I am physically fine, but my mind has been tired of thinking about things that I thought unnecessary, but now I feel that I need to make proper decisions to address those conflicts. Of course, I know what to do with these problems, but I still need to consider the people around me which makes it hard to decide. At first I thought everything will be as good as I imagined it to be. I thought it would be easy living my life to the way far different from what my parents showed me when I was young and innocent.

I know what I WANT to do. I know what I NEED to do either. In my situation right now, these facts are two conflicting ideas that wake me up even in the middle of the night. I know I need to decide before this month ends. No, not because 'they' are forcing me to make a decision, but because I want everything to be in the right place before I do the next action. Settled. No more unclosed conversation. Whatever happens after this long process of decision making, I am going to stand strong with what position I would choose. I know I am mature enough to be responsible with my actions. It is just a rhetorical question, but I could not answer yet.... not only because I am hesitant but because I know that I should not rush everything...specifically the very serious matters. So when the time is up and the decision making is finally over, I would be very confident with my answer... regardless of how many people would shake their heads in disappointment. But one thing is certain, when I answer, it will be forever. That moment would probably be the start or the end of something.

Jake and I are planning to go out of town at the end of the month. It will be a short vacation. How I wish we could go back to yesterday when we come back from that romantic vacation.

the bell starts to ring

Damn. I was supposed to be writing about 'value proposition and differentiation' for my client but I felt an urge to write about something that has been bothering me lately. Well, it was actually Claudine's fault. I was researching about fundamentals of marketing for the completion of an order that has been stocked on my account for three days already; however, I suddenly thought of visiting my blogger account. And so I finally saw the blog post that Ara and Claude were talking about last night. For the nth time this week, I heard and read the word “marriage”. No, this is not an answer to Claude's post (she's getting famous on this blog entry), it is actually a written deep realization of what has been happening these past few days.

This chaos started when my unpredictable significant other posted a very controversial phrase on his Facebook account. It was an indirect (not proposal) statement about a very serious matter: marriage. As you could imagine, our friends commented on that post... happy, supporting, showing approval (as if they're the ones who would say yes, except for Claude (again) who directly said yes (a joke, of course). No, I am not going to elaborate more on that post, it has actually nothing to do with what is happening right now.

It became the talk of the town. we're not famous, of that I am certain, but any person who talks about something rare would definitely gain attention from the mainstream... especially when it has something to do with marriage. For the next five days, everyone was saying how happy they are for us. Okay, enough for that, Jake and I did not even talk too much about that. I asked him, yes. But what answer would you expect from someone who is either lazy to talk or just too reserved to say too much words about a specific subject?

I said, “Are you putting too much pressure on me or this is just your new idea of a joke?”.

He answered, “I'm serious”.

Okay.

The conversation ended there. We did not talk much about it although we sometimes look at the possibility of us getting married soon. The conversation is always unclosed. So I therefore conclude that we just talk about it because there are so many factors that affect us to do so.

Somehow, I am guilty.... of showing too much doubt and hesitation to my friends, talking about this topic often in front of them, and discussing about the reasons why Jake and I should and should not entertain the idea of getting married at a very young age (we're both twenty two years old, but we are already in this relationship for four years now). Apparently, I appreciate the support that my friends gave me when they saw the hint that my significant other is already thinking about this 'serious matter'. My friends, just like me, are also in stable and very serious relationship with their partners (who eventually became friends of ours) which add impact on our openness to the topic. Starting then, we've been talking about our dream weddings and laughing on each other's corny concepts of the ceremony.

Just last night, Jake and I had once again talked about this 'serious matter'. Yes, it's becoming a routine... and just like the other talks, we left it unclosed. We're not getting any younger, yes, but I know with what we are thinking about right now, we still have so many things to learn in order for us to grow. I realized that the fact that our families support our relationship gives us courage to decide on a more serious matter. At least we're certain of one thing, our parents would approve whatever decision we are going to make in the future. However, we both feel that that fact is not enough to make us brave to face the consequence of any plan that we will execute. I am fully aware of the things/problems/ reasons behind that indirect proposal.

I have a lot of plans in the future and I have never forgotten any of those... and I have not yet changed my principles in life. I will reach every little goal I set no matter what happen tomorrow. Just like other couples, we have a lot of plans, too. Countless dreams. I just hope everything will come true.

The bell starts to ring for us... maybe. But honestly, I don't think too much about it now. I know eventually, we will reach that time...when we don't need to let the opportunity pass and strive to make ourselves strong to stand for new responsibilities. Just let the bell ring, it may probably ring hard once the right time comes.

There will be no marriage between Jake and I yet. We're planning yes. And we're excited. But not yet. Trust me.

a love story

"The right
thing at the wrong time is a wrong thing".










Sometimes, good things really end.










and we really need to wait for nothing... and hope for something we do not really know.












until the heaven send the miracle.










...with new promises of love and dreams.







which would require a lot of effort to get over and accept the unbearable pain.







Thank you...

..for a chance to experience another good thing despite the fear and hesitation.










for making me strong and letting me stand again.














... thank you for the patience.










...thank you for making me feel the true meaning of love.

Thank you for healing all the wounds.









Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for the comfort.














Thank you for making me inspired and giving me the courage to love again.










Thank you for being there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Thank you for not leaving me alone.









Thank you for giving me a chance to hope for a better future.












Thank you for the gift of love.










Thank you for making me realize how fun it is to be in this world. Thank you for making me optimistic and look forward for a brighter tomorrow.




Thank you for everything. I wish you have an idea how grateful I am for having you. I love you more than you could ever imagine.

falling down

I really don’t want to bother him with this. But there’s an urge inside me that keeps on forcing me to say what he needs to hear. I am afraid though that he might not believe on what I am going to say and block his mind with nonsense thoughts. That would definitely ruin the foundation that we have invested in a very long time.

It’s just hard sometimes to see him in mess. I have said everything to him before but I couldn’t see the effects. Maybe he was not really listening. Maybe my opinions have no appeal to him. I wish I could say everything to him. But that would definitely hurt him. He would never understand because he has his own ideas too. And I don’t want to decide for him because that would mean invading his privacy and ruining his dignity as a person.

I just wish he would understand what I mean. My sensitivity has always been his complain. Sometimes I wonder if I influence him in a good way. But whenever something bad happens, I always come up with the conclusion that my actions have something to do with that problem. Then suddenly I would become guilty… for not warning him… for not advising him beforehand… for not enumerating the possible consequences… for supporting him with his decisions. And then I would ask myself: what really is my function in his life?

Until now, I am not certain… of what role should I play in order to be a perfect partner for him… of what should I say regarding his dilemma… of where should I stand in order not to hurt his feelings. I am certain of only one thing… there’s something wrong with the way we treat every problem. Avoidance? I don’t know. We have gone this far and we have gone through a lot of things before we reach this moment.... when everything seems perfectly normal. Both of us sworn that we won’t let each other down and we would stay strong in the future… and yes, we believed each other.

His problem bothers me. And even though he had told me thousands times already not to think about it, I can’t help myself but to look back and worry about his situation. I trust him; I just wish everything would go with the flow… in favor of him. And I pray that he would always remember how lucky he is for having a lot of people who love him despite everything.

will he ever read this?

Probably, this may appear as typical and ordinary story for this often happens to anyone. This is not a love story, in fact, this is a story of my life… our lives particularly. I have found love in an unexpected moment. When I was not thinking anything but the heartaches that i have recently experienced and the possible cure to end that feeling easily. Don’t get me wrong, I was finding for a solution. I wasn’t looking for another relationship to cure my broken heart. A rainy day of December four years ago had become a very remarkable day in my life. Not only because I have finally met the man of my dreams( damn! I never believe in “man of my dreams” thing), but because I have two reasons of making that day a very special one. First, is because I have found a new way to live my life. and second is because, yes, I have found the man whom I consider now as my dream. I was once a fan of fairy tales stories, but when one of my mentors made us realized how unrealistic their stories are, I started to think of new way to create my own love story. Of course, not patterned to what Cinderella and Snow White once had. But I failed to do so. Probably because everything came unexpectedly. All the words were said unexpectedly. All actions were made unexpectedly. And all decisions were made in very unpredictable moments. It was indeed a test of time.

Why did I say that? My man and I had been friends for a long time already before we decided to try to commit in a more serious relationship. See? We met each other in one of the school’s events but we hardly noticed each other. Maybe because, our eyes were still focused on different persons during that time. Then, later on we became acquainted. I guess, same interests made it easier for us to get closer. Finally, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I decided to accept that proposal in one sunny day of August the following year. That was the start of everything….

At first, it was a normal relationship. Surprisingly, it became extra ordinary. Yes, we’ve been friends even before we decided to enter in a more serious relationship, but I must say, our friendship just started there. It was like giving birth to a child, planning its future, and taking care of it while it grows up. That was exactly what happened and what’s happening to us right now. Basically, we’ve been through a lot of trials before we’ve gone this far. Keeping the ball rolling on first weeks or months of the relationship was hard… but, believe it or not, as the relationship becomes longer and the feelings become deeper, keeping the ball rolling is definitely harder. Honestly, I once decided to leave, but the investment made it harder for me to decide. Apparently, it was not love that made me hesitant to leave. In the first place, I was still loving my former boyfriend when we decided to part ways. We can find love anywhere, but we cannot easily invest and build a strong foundation to just anyone. I guess, it became our weapon for each other. I mean, our sweet weapon to keep each other. It was unconditional love and friendship that always make us stay.

On our 38 months of being together, I have experienced countless heartaches. And for sure, he had experienced a lot, too. Every misunderstanding hurts us. Every argument wounds both of us. But those, of course made us stronger. We’re like other couples who quarrels about big and petty things and we get angry when something beyond each others temper happened. We,too shared happy moments, laughters, tears, griefs, and sorrows. We’re mad at each other now but we’ll exchange “sorrys and i love yous” later. All feelings are always shown,either good or bad, and most importantly, all secrets are unkept. Respect and trust are really important in keeping the love for each other alive. Definitely!

Those are just few of the millions of reasons why we are strong. No, I am not doing this article because today is our monthsary, in fact, I’m still mad at him at this very moment for what he did yesterday. Anyway, i’ll be seeing him in a few minutes now to celebrate this wonderful 38 months together. wipee!
Yes, I easily get mad at him but this article proves how much I love him despite everything. I am mad but i definitely miss him. I love him not because he is my boyfriend, but because he is my bestfriend, my mentor, my everything…. Happy 38 months for both of us! Cheers!