order no. 713xxxxx

Random things for random people.

• Hey, you're such a good person...you made me hate myself so much. Thank you for your presence... and for everything.
• Where do you get your strength? Do you cry at nights too? I'm glad I have you in our lives. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
• I will never forgive you nor forget you. Forever. In fact, everything is mapped...especially for you.
• Be good. Don't admire me. Just listen to everything I say.
• I may not be able to show you my affection, but you know what kind of person I am. I'm proud of you...you have no idea that I look at everyone with tears in my eyes. I love each one of you. I swear to God.
• What were you thinking when you started to ruin everything? I am what I am right now because of you. Damn, I still love you.
• I wish I could tell you, but I can't. So don't ask again because I will never change my mind.
• Don't make fun of me, idiot. You don't know me well.
• Don't say any thing about me... even the best adjectives in the dictionary.
• I wish I were you. I wish I could be like you. You cause depression so I wish you'd get lost and never come back.
• You're the reason why I believe that God still wants me to be happy. I never imagined that such kind of friendship is possible. I thank God for our team.
• When will be my turn? Is there anything for me? You must be preparing it right now. Take you time. I'm still on the process of learning the art of patience.
• Hey, thanks. You're the closest companion I have today. Be brave. I wish you all the best on earth.
• I miss you. Where did all those things go? We've lost so many things already. I hope we could still pick up the pieces, but I'm hopeless. Anyway, I'm still in for some jamming and drinking sessions. Just in case you like.
• I'm disappointed. I heard something deppressing and confusing from your mouth and I knew that this moment will come since then. Thank you for sharing what you know. I will never forget you, anyway. Never.
• What's the point of seeing again?! Oh maybe we could meet again so I could tell you that there's nothing to hope for... and that I'm sorry because I had never given you at least a pea size part of my heart. Sorry. Really.
• I heard you're happy. Good. At least you have someone to accompany you when you go to hell. This is not bitterness...this is madness. On the other hand, I must thank you. Were you the one who taught me the two most important things on earth? Love and Music. I'm happier now, just so you know.
• I have nothing against you. Don't be too ambitious. I haven't gone down to your level yet. No, I will never do that.
• I'm so proud of you. Your existence makes me believe that everything is possible...and that I'm alive and capable of doing something worthy. Keep on shining!
• I'm boyfriend-ed...and I, definitely, am not interested.
• You're always on the right time, but I will always be the wrong person. But thanks, buddy, really... for your time and effort.
• Shot shot shot! I wanna throw up! :p
• You're a blessing. Someday you'll understand why I need to be in denial all the time.
• Are you numb, guys??? Hello! I want you to get out of our lives.
• Everyone has darker sides, so don't treat me as if I'm abnormal.

a letter to You

Dear God,

Here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone. It's supposed to be good but it sounds strange to me in some ways. Have I told you before that I'm in ecstasy whenever I hear the name? And I'm dreaming that I would gain something from that someone someday. Whatever it is that make me satisfied, I don't know. I don't wanna know.

I hate the words from the mouth of that person, they make me weak. Every word crawls to every smallest part of my vein, like electricity... always in for the kill. But the sound of that voice penetrates my pores, making me tremble, making me faint... worst, making me shout and cry for so much joy. Sometimes, that voice makes me want to vomit, but that rarely happened. No, that never happened. Because all words were absorbed, even the softest sound, even the periods, and the comma, and the exclamation mark of every statement. Words suck my strength until I could move nor cry no more.

They say it's illusion. Who the hell said that? I say it's foolishness. And being insane is far better than hopeless imagination. I'm crazy. If that's the only excuse to keep myself away from reality, I'd embrace it. With all my heart. With my body and soul.

Then, I heard it. I heard the calmest sound on earth... and everything turned blue. No, everything turned red. It soothes the pain and uneasiness in the marrow of my bones. Oh please, I don't want this to be real. Let it go back to where it came from and visit me in my dream. That voice is the sweetest dream ever,I want it stay that way.

God, are you kidding me?
Someone told me that dreams are dreams because they can't be real. But as I grow old, I become aware that that fact does not conform to the real scenario in this world. So bad. I once dreamt of that voice, and it's becoming real. I was hesitant, but it appeared right before my eyes, inviting, loving, soothing. Hey, are dreams made to be real?

And now, here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone... with that calm and loving voice. With the sound of life and endless affection. Something goes right and that voice would remain at peace. When everything gone wrong, the voice still remains. Indeed, a weird voice. A weird personality.

As days pass by, I become more ecstatic and confused with the presence of that sound. Abstract yet visible. It continues to shed light to my dark soul. It steals my consciousness. It keeps me alive and dead at the same time. I hate it. No, I love it.

I have one wish, and I hope You would listen and put the joke on me... if answering a weird prayer would mean a serious joke. Of all the dreams I had in my sleep, I wish this one, the voice of that someone, would remain a dream forever. Please, don't make this real... for real always has an ending. It always has a limitation. It restricts everything. So keep it in me, through my dreams.

Please let me give my trust fully. Let me listen to that voice with no hesitations in mind and fears in my heart. Let that voice serve as your bridge through me. I'm afraid but I'm still willing to listen. Despite the broken heart.

Could I possibly have it? That one wish? Yes, I know you know better. It's a wish. Just like a daughter wanting a rug doll from her mother for Christmas. Just like an unsold pair of shoes in the store, wanting to be owned by someone. I just want something to remain part of the ordinary.

And here I go again.

I'm dreaming of something real.

Something that is already an inch away. A word away. A world away.

Can I have it forever? I know it's willing to stay... so I'm the one who needs to be healed. I need your encouragement. And I need its presence.

As for now, let me dream. And make it real when I'm done closing the darkest door of suffocating past.

I'm dreaming of that someone now... everything is perfect... it's scary..it's so real. I will dream until I get lost.


Love,
Your beloved daughter

insignificant

so unhappy.

so dissatisfied.

so numb.

too conscious.

just few more days and everything will fall into pieces.

few more hours of being insane.

being suffocated by polluted wind.

running out of reasons to keep on living normally.

running after nothing.

hiding from no one.

physically alive.

mentally dead.

hating everything.... and everyone.

about to explode.

nothing. no one.

trapped.

a pain in the a**.

unhealthy.

someday...

the surrounding will go back to how it used to be. so __ ___.

...thoughts.

... pensamientos.

*not a love story. not a serious blog posts either... just a corny joke.

falling down

I really don’t want to bother him with this. But there’s an urge inside me that keeps on forcing me to say what he needs to hear. I am afraid though that he might not believe on what I am going to say and block his mind with nonsense thoughts. That would definitely ruin the foundation that we have invested in a very long time.

It’s just hard sometimes to see him in mess. I have said everything to him before but I couldn’t see the effects. Maybe he was not really listening. Maybe my opinions have no appeal to him. I wish I could say everything to him. But that would definitely hurt him. He would never understand because he has his own ideas too. And I don’t want to decide for him because that would mean invading his privacy and ruining his dignity as a person.

I just wish he would understand what I mean. My sensitivity has always been his complain. Sometimes I wonder if I influence him in a good way. But whenever something bad happens, I always come up with the conclusion that my actions have something to do with that problem. Then suddenly I would become guilty… for not warning him… for not advising him beforehand… for not enumerating the possible consequences… for supporting him with his decisions. And then I would ask myself: what really is my function in his life?

Until now, I am not certain… of what role should I play in order to be a perfect partner for him… of what should I say regarding his dilemma… of where should I stand in order not to hurt his feelings. I am certain of only one thing… there’s something wrong with the way we treat every problem. Avoidance? I don’t know. We have gone this far and we have gone through a lot of things before we reach this moment.... when everything seems perfectly normal. Both of us sworn that we won’t let each other down and we would stay strong in the future… and yes, we believed each other.

His problem bothers me. And even though he had told me thousands times already not to think about it, I can’t help myself but to look back and worry about his situation. I trust him; I just wish everything would go with the flow… in favor of him. And I pray that he would always remember how lucky he is for having a lot of people who love him despite everything.