unwelcome thoughts

Unwelcome thoughts have been poisoning your mind but you keep on believing in the same philosophy that people have toward life. Everyday, in every problem, people are forced to decide and solve each dilemma based on reality. This fact might bring confusion though because most people end up losing something or doing the same old things that affect their lives negatively. You learn to view the world based on what you have seen, heard, and felt during your existence and all the things that you have witnessed and done by yourself have been the constructed reality for you.

Every minute, you convince yourself that life is hard and easy at the same time. Lacking something has always been a part of life and having what you need has to be considered as a good fortune. But what if you wake up one day and you realize that the world does not move based on what you have perceived toward it? You have confirmed that the world is round and the earth is the third planet in the universe but the reality that you have constructed based on the facts that you have known for so long are not exactly the truth that you should get in order to survive. Yes, confusing.

You must agree that life can be just simple if you are going to make it as simple as possible. It means you would exist in this world based on your choices. You have the power to choose a simple or a harder life if you want. But how about the external factors? Those things that have something to do with you but you do not have the power over them are what you consider as external factors. You cannot predict if the abstract things are true unless people told them to you that they are or until you have felt that those are really factual. But before you come up with the conclusion that what you feel toward something or someone and what other people feel toward you is true, you may have gone through a lot of realizations first. Then you would confidently believe that the world is full of beautiful things. That is reality for you. Your constantly changing perception and knowledge about life have been firm to the point that you become blinded about the other aspect of the world.

What if everything that you have known for so long is not true? What if everything you see and all the things you hear are lying? What if everything that has been there exists only to deceive you? What if you wake up one morning by the noise of the real sound of music? You are surprised by the true color of your surrounding. And the words that you hear are the exact opposite of the words that have been used to you before you fell asleep. The emotion has not yet changed but these new facts tear your heart into pieces. And then you wonder where it all come from and where do all those old things go.



Finally, due to unending questions and hardships of convincing yourself, you would ask: what if everything is just a product of someone else’s illusion?

falling down

I really don’t want to bother him with this. But there’s an urge inside me that keeps on forcing me to say what he needs to hear. I am afraid though that he might not believe on what I am going to say and block his mind with nonsense thoughts. That would definitely ruin the foundation that we have invested in a very long time.

It’s just hard sometimes to see him in mess. I have said everything to him before but I couldn’t see the effects. Maybe he was not really listening. Maybe my opinions have no appeal to him. I wish I could say everything to him. But that would definitely hurt him. He would never understand because he has his own ideas too. And I don’t want to decide for him because that would mean invading his privacy and ruining his dignity as a person.

I just wish he would understand what I mean. My sensitivity has always been his complain. Sometimes I wonder if I influence him in a good way. But whenever something bad happens, I always come up with the conclusion that my actions have something to do with that problem. Then suddenly I would become guilty… for not warning him… for not advising him beforehand… for not enumerating the possible consequences… for supporting him with his decisions. And then I would ask myself: what really is my function in his life?

Until now, I am not certain… of what role should I play in order to be a perfect partner for him… of what should I say regarding his dilemma… of where should I stand in order not to hurt his feelings. I am certain of only one thing… there’s something wrong with the way we treat every problem. Avoidance? I don’t know. We have gone this far and we have gone through a lot of things before we reach this moment.... when everything seems perfectly normal. Both of us sworn that we won’t let each other down and we would stay strong in the future… and yes, we believed each other.

His problem bothers me. And even though he had told me thousands times already not to think about it, I can’t help myself but to look back and worry about his situation. I trust him; I just wish everything would go with the flow… in favor of him. And I pray that he would always remember how lucky he is for having a lot of people who love him despite everything.

will he ever read this?

Probably, this may appear as typical and ordinary story for this often happens to anyone. This is not a love story, in fact, this is a story of my life… our lives particularly. I have found love in an unexpected moment. When I was not thinking anything but the heartaches that i have recently experienced and the possible cure to end that feeling easily. Don’t get me wrong, I was finding for a solution. I wasn’t looking for another relationship to cure my broken heart. A rainy day of December four years ago had become a very remarkable day in my life. Not only because I have finally met the man of my dreams( damn! I never believe in “man of my dreams” thing), but because I have two reasons of making that day a very special one. First, is because I have found a new way to live my life. and second is because, yes, I have found the man whom I consider now as my dream. I was once a fan of fairy tales stories, but when one of my mentors made us realized how unrealistic their stories are, I started to think of new way to create my own love story. Of course, not patterned to what Cinderella and Snow White once had. But I failed to do so. Probably because everything came unexpectedly. All the words were said unexpectedly. All actions were made unexpectedly. And all decisions were made in very unpredictable moments. It was indeed a test of time.

Why did I say that? My man and I had been friends for a long time already before we decided to try to commit in a more serious relationship. See? We met each other in one of the school’s events but we hardly noticed each other. Maybe because, our eyes were still focused on different persons during that time. Then, later on we became acquainted. I guess, same interests made it easier for us to get closer. Finally, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I decided to accept that proposal in one sunny day of August the following year. That was the start of everything….

At first, it was a normal relationship. Surprisingly, it became extra ordinary. Yes, we’ve been friends even before we decided to enter in a more serious relationship, but I must say, our friendship just started there. It was like giving birth to a child, planning its future, and taking care of it while it grows up. That was exactly what happened and what’s happening to us right now. Basically, we’ve been through a lot of trials before we’ve gone this far. Keeping the ball rolling on first weeks or months of the relationship was hard… but, believe it or not, as the relationship becomes longer and the feelings become deeper, keeping the ball rolling is definitely harder. Honestly, I once decided to leave, but the investment made it harder for me to decide. Apparently, it was not love that made me hesitant to leave. In the first place, I was still loving my former boyfriend when we decided to part ways. We can find love anywhere, but we cannot easily invest and build a strong foundation to just anyone. I guess, it became our weapon for each other. I mean, our sweet weapon to keep each other. It was unconditional love and friendship that always make us stay.

On our 38 months of being together, I have experienced countless heartaches. And for sure, he had experienced a lot, too. Every misunderstanding hurts us. Every argument wounds both of us. But those, of course made us stronger. We’re like other couples who quarrels about big and petty things and we get angry when something beyond each others temper happened. We,too shared happy moments, laughters, tears, griefs, and sorrows. We’re mad at each other now but we’ll exchange “sorrys and i love yous” later. All feelings are always shown,either good or bad, and most importantly, all secrets are unkept. Respect and trust are really important in keeping the love for each other alive. Definitely!

Those are just few of the millions of reasons why we are strong. No, I am not doing this article because today is our monthsary, in fact, I’m still mad at him at this very moment for what he did yesterday. Anyway, i’ll be seeing him in a few minutes now to celebrate this wonderful 38 months together. wipee!
Yes, I easily get mad at him but this article proves how much I love him despite everything. I am mad but i definitely miss him. I love him not because he is my boyfriend, but because he is my bestfriend, my mentor, my everything…. Happy 38 months for both of us! Cheers!

trapped!

It’s getting dark and the rain’s starting to fall. you do not know what to do… you are confused and you are tired of making decisions. you want to go home but you want to stay either. you’ve been convincing yourself that everything is fine and all the things that have been bothering you lately are part of reality. until you realize that everything around you is lying. you were deceived by those things and it’s hard to escape now. so bad, nobody warned you that life, real life, could be this hard.

all this time, you’ve been thinking that everything is right until you were hit by someone. then you realize that everything was wrong…. you walked.. then you started to run. you do not know where to go. you just want to escape.

but this is life. you cried because you understand that you can never hide from it. you stand still and you see you dreams started to fade right before your eyes. they would never understand you. like what you want them to do. they have never been there. you are alone. you have nothing. you have no one.

A Repost

The Man Who Achieved Everything He Could
By Yuri Alkin

They say that once upon a time, there lived a man who wanted to achieve everything he was capable of achieving. He was obsessed with this desire. He ate, slept, and walked with one and only dream: to die, having accomplished every single thing he was able to accomplish. There were so many things he could do. He felt like the whole world could be his, if he only set his mind to it. At times, he was even horrified by the powers hiding in his mind and heart. He was certain-in fact-he knew that his potential had no limits. He knew that he could accumulate power that would dwarf the power of ancient kings; he knew that he could write books that would shake the minds of generations to come; he knew that he could invent things that would forever change the lives of millions of people. He lived, constantly feeling the power within-and that power knew no bounds.

There was only one obstacle: having such a potential, but only one life, he had to make a choice. He had to decide where to apply all of his enormous abilities. Making that decision was extremely hard, for any choice meant cutting off some future achievements. And so in the meantime, he went to school, graduated, found a respectable well-paid job, married, and bred children. And he spent every minute of his spare time trying to decide where he should apply all his might. Even though he was not interested in applying it to his work, his power was impossible to hide. He was successful in everything he touched, and he earned great respect of the people who worked with him. And all the while, he thought to himself: Imagine what I would achieve once I concentrate entirely on the area of my choice.

Time went by, and he grew older. Some roads he used to dream about became closed to him. But there was still so much he could accomplish. And he kept thinking hard while working, raising children, dealing with everyday problems, and knowing that his potential had no limits. And most people who knew him were of the same opinion, for it was impossible not to realize this, being around him for a while.

One day, a sudden chest pain made him come home early. He dragged his feet to the bathroom. There, feeling weak and empty, he looked in the mirror. A worn-out, gray-haired man stared back at him. But his eyes, though red and tired, were still full of unrealized potential. He peered into these eyes and, all of a sudden, realized one simple truth. The next moment, the pain pierced his heart again, and it stopped beating forever.

Everybody cried, even those who knew him only slightly. The pain of this loss was staggering. Not only had he been a good man but they also knew what great potential had died with him. True, he had spent his life trying to make the choice, but imagine what would've happened had he made it. After all, he was so close to making it, and he hadn't been that old. He could not have had this feeling of unlimited potential for nothing. His potential was truly unlimited. The choice was about to be made, and very soon he could have achieved anything. His life could have become a shining monument, which would have forever inspired future generations. What a loss! What a tragedy! They cried and cried and cried. And they didn't know what he had realized the moment before he died.

The truth that came upon him was rather simple. People only flatter themselves by thinking that they could have achieved this or that if not for such-and-such circumstances. Yet this is nothing but delusion. At any given moment, as long as you've been healthy and haven't been thrown into the midst of war, crime or forces of nature, you always achieve everything you can. You simply lack something that is necessary for achieving that goal you've never reached-a talent, a skill, willpower, a set of priorities, or something else. Like it or not, realize it or not, believe it or not, but you simply lack it. You just think you've got what it takes, and only these insurmountable difficulties have prevented you from reaching the ultimate heights. But in reality, what you don't achieve is something you're not capable of achieving.

hindi pa tapos ang lahat

Grabe, mag-iisang taon na pala. Parang kelan lang naghahanda pa kami sa graduation. Excited. Hindi makatulog. At panay ang plano kung san at anung gagawin after ng graduation. Tapos eto na. Mag-iisang taon na.

Marami ng nagbago. Andami na ding nagyari. Pero kung minsan naiisip ko, hindi naman talaga ganito ang gusto ko. Sabi nga namin, "one more! one more!". Sa madaling salita, wala pa kong nagagawa talaga sa mga plinano kung mangyari nung nasa "training field" pa lang ako. Akala ko ganun lang ang buhay. Hindi pala. Sobrang exact opposite sya ng nakikita mo sa TV. At malaki ang pagkakaiba nya sa naririnig mo sa ibang tao na nakaranas na umanong mamuhay sa tinatawag nilang "totoong mundo". Ooppss, teka. Hindi nagawa ang blog na to dahil punong puno ako ng disappointment o anu pa man. Gusto ko lang sanang balikan yong mga bagay na naramdaman ko nung pinasok ko ang mundong ginagalawan ko ngayon. Mundong puno ng halu-halong emosyon. Saya... lungkot... pag-asa... tagumpay.. at pagkabigo. Sa madaling salita, real world is not bad at all. It depends on how you are going to perceive it once you get there.

Tapos, eto na ko. Pagkatapos ng maangas at nakakatuwang pakikipagsapalaran kasama ang mga katulad kong nag-eexpect ng masaya at kapanapanabik na buhay sa labas ng apat na sulok ng laging maingay na classroom, heto na ko. Nakikipagsapalaran sa totoong mundo na nangangailangan ng matalino at madiskarteng aksyon at desisyon para magtagumpay. Wala ng palakasan. Hindi na mahalaga kung sinong sikat at sinong never-heard ang pangalan. Wala ng pag-uusapang flat 1 na kelangang habulin para lang mahabol ang libreng tuition fee at di mapag-usapan ng mga matatabil ang dila sa klase. Heto na ko.... nakikipagkompetensya sa mundong mas maraming kaaway at kakampi. Panibagong simula.


Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag ang wala pa sa katiting na karanasan ko dito. Basta ang alam ko, maraming araw na nagmukha akong tanga dahil hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan ang isang gawain na sa libro at whyteboard ko lang natutunan. Pero maraming araw din akong masaya dahil sa mga bagong karanasan na sa totoong mundo lang mararanasan. At eto ako ngayon, patuloy na nakikipaglaban. Naisip ko, marami pa kong gustong gawin, at bagamat maaga pa para saken ang lahat, nasa tamang panahon na ako para simulan ang mga nais kong mangyari. Hindi ko alam kung anu pang magaganap sa akin sa mga susunod na araw. Walang makakapagsabi. Pero sigurado ako sa mga gusto kong marating. At yon ang tanging panlaban ko para magtagumpay.

Sa halos isang taon ko dito, masasabi kong matagumpay ako kahit paano. Sapat na ang mga bagay na nakukuha at nagagawa ko para masabing hindi ako nagkamali sa mga desisyon ko at nagbunga ang mga pinaghirapan ko habang inihahanda ko ang sarili ko sa pagpasok ko sa bagong mundo na ito noon. Hindi ako loser. At sa mga susunod na taon, muli kong babalikan ang isinulat kong ito upang sukatin ang pananaw ko sa katayuan ko sa buhay sa pagkakataon na yon.

Mabilis lang ang panahon. Sandali lang ang lahat.