silent talk

he said:

"you don't leave them, you store them. you write them because you want to remember them, how could you possibly move on? don't keep rage any more, just look back and continue to walk forward".

she said:

"that's easy for you to say".

he said:

"i understand you. I respect your feelings. but you're just hurting yourself".

she said:

"i'll stop when i'm done".

Filipino woo-man

Just this morning, another controversial issue about Governor Chavit Singson was being discussed on television. I don't watch TV often because I am paranoid and I've been thinking that I have a high level of mean world syndrome, so in order to feel safe, I'd rather avoid watching television shows especially news programs.

I wasn't listening at first when I saw him on screen, I'm used to seeing Mr. Singson on TV explaining his side regarding national issues, but he was talking about something different this morning. According to the news, the former governor had beaten up his common law wife when he found out that she is having an affair with someone else. The woman sued the former governor of Ilocos Sur and accused of whipping her. As expected, the women's federation reacted on the incident and suggested the woman (whom they call Che) to file a domestic violence case against him. Mr. Singson's conversation with the TV host was somewhat funny or irritating. He was very safe with his answers and mock the host when he doesn't want to answer the question. He would say, "Bakit mo tinatanong, abodago ka ba?" or "Dapat mangyari sayo, para maintindihan mo.".

Mr. Singson would constantly say "Mabuti nga, hindi ko sila pinatay eh" in between his answers to every question that was being thrown to him.

I have few questions that I would like to raise now :What difference does it make when he betrayed his friend, Joseph Estrada that led to his forced resignation as president few years ago? Yes, you may say, these situations are two different things, and as a Filipino, I should feel glad that there is Chavit Singson to open the darkest cave of lies and corruption during Erap's administration. I've been hating Erap ever since, and I hated him even more when he ran for presidency, won, and being kicked out for stealing the fund of the Filipino masses. But this is not to say that I love Chavit for revealing all the wrongdoings of the former president. He may have served as the key to oust the cheat of the nation but I still never liked him for that. And now, there he is, complaining how deceitful his lover was for making him believe that she loves him when she was just needing his money from the start of their relationship. Well, we have a saying, 'when money talks, everybody listens.' Apparently, he and his colleagues have been having the best conversation with dollars and pesos. Why should I include money on this post? Simply because, Chavit was talking about huge amount of pesos during his conversation with the Umagang Kay Ganda TV host. Amazingly huge amount of money, enough to feed the street children, enough to build a school, enough to save the nation. Tsk, Chavit's woman might have probably been lying on a bed of cash, eating with a golden plate, and living on a glass house, enough to see the whole city and the faces of the people passing by and staring at their big mansion. A home where everything is visible... no wonder, she was able to see another man.


The second question is not an argument of how powerful Chavit Singson is to be capable of killing someone who did something offensive to him. It is an argument of who is what. The issue of domestic violence is highly considered and recognized on this case. Who found someone else? Who cheated? And who should take the blame for cheating behind someone else's back?

My man said, "Dapat lang mabugbog, nanloko eh".

A joke. Half meant.

So I asked, "So you mean to say you're going to beat me up if you find out that I'm having an affair with another man?"...with my hands on my waist.

"Why, are you going to find someone else?"

"Of course not".

"What if you will be the one to cheat, how am I going to beat you, you're stronger than I am".

A joke. With deep realization.

Apparently, I realized that the society still has and will always has a social hierarchy of gender. When Mr. Singson was asked if he is having an affair with other woman, he answered, "She knows that". What the heck! So why didn't his wife beat him up? Doesn't he deserve a whipping too?

sweet August

I am in big trouble right now. My friends are right, August is a very remarkable month. Personally, it has been the most awaited month since Jake and I got together. I've been waiting for this month to come because, like others, this is the time when my significant other and I could celebrate another year of having a healthy relationship. But this year is totally different. August seems to give the hardest slap that we can ever experience in our entire lives. No, I'm not just talking about our relationship, I'm talking about the things happened these past few days that ruined the days and broke the hearts of the people that are important to us. The start of this month has been full of controversies, conflicts, and unexpected things. This is definitely one hell of a month!

Don't get me wrong, Jake and I have no problem with our relationship. At least I could say that everything is smooth between us now. What made August a month to remember are the stories of the people around us and the decisions that Jake and I need to make for ourselves. This is unquestionably the toughest month of the year. I heard the problems of my friends, and I've been confused these past few days because of the things that I cannot open to just anyone, except to my friends who could definitely understand my worries. I couldn't say that I just need a moment to regain my strength and look forward again to the latter part of this month because it would definitely take our whole lives to forget the situations that we are in right now and live according to what these unexpected events brought us.

Right now, I am not in a good condition. I am physically fine, but my mind has been tired of thinking about things that I thought unnecessary, but now I feel that I need to make proper decisions to address those conflicts. Of course, I know what to do with these problems, but I still need to consider the people around me which makes it hard to decide. At first I thought everything will be as good as I imagined it to be. I thought it would be easy living my life to the way far different from what my parents showed me when I was young and innocent.

I know what I WANT to do. I know what I NEED to do either. In my situation right now, these facts are two conflicting ideas that wake me up even in the middle of the night. I know I need to decide before this month ends. No, not because 'they' are forcing me to make a decision, but because I want everything to be in the right place before I do the next action. Settled. No more unclosed conversation. Whatever happens after this long process of decision making, I am going to stand strong with what position I would choose. I know I am mature enough to be responsible with my actions. It is just a rhetorical question, but I could not answer yet.... not only because I am hesitant but because I know that I should not rush everything...specifically the very serious matters. So when the time is up and the decision making is finally over, I would be very confident with my answer... regardless of how many people would shake their heads in disappointment. But one thing is certain, when I answer, it will be forever. That moment would probably be the start or the end of something.

Jake and I are planning to go out of town at the end of the month. It will be a short vacation. How I wish we could go back to yesterday when we come back from that romantic vacation.

Are you mad? NO, I'M NOT. So, You're not scared? YES, I'M NOT. And you're fine? YES, I AM.

i’ve been sitting here for almost three hours now, and i haven’t done anything yet. i want to sleep. i want to go somewhere else. i want something new. it’s only Wednesday, and i still have two more days to endure this grogginess. oops, don’t get me wrong. i don’t hate what i’m doing. i don’t love it either. just right. or maybe, i’m feeling this because i have too many reasons to do so.

i’m tired. i get easily tired this past few days. it’s not just about the work. perhaps because of too many unsettled conversations about endless issues. anyway, there is no problem with that really…or probably i’m just convincing myself that we are fine.

i’m pressured. i want to do something and yet the chances of reaching the goal seem vague as of this moment. and i’m starting to lose my patience. i can’t wait to see myself reach those goals and objectives. yes, i know. i know those are attainable and that will depend on me and my capability. perhaps the idea that something would block the way that i’ve been seeing as clear and bright makes me scared. i just wish that people around me have an idea how my heart burns with desire.

however, as i grow older, i realize that the world will not support you just because they can see your determination. some people would tap your shoulder for two reasons; first, they think your a great person for aiming for something more and they would wish you luck and tell you how proud they will be for you. of course those words are flattering, and i know inside their hearts, those words are true. second; they think you’re a great dreamer. yes. for aiming something that they think you would never ever reach. of course i don’t have to listen to those people. i’d rather stick to the first category, no matter how few they are.

once you enter in the real world, you’ll be surprised that there are more types of people than you expected when you were still on your training field. yes, they exist. the ones that you see on films and television really exist, only that, the people in the real world can either be milder or worst. the ones you see on screen are mediated and the ones you will meet in real world are true. with their own scripts, actions, and stories to tell.

eventually, you’ll find it weird, that those people are smart but often appear as stupid. they are pretty but would often act insecure. you cannot easily identify them…because there are more stories behind that you need to know by yourself. they are countless, so you will definitely meet them no matter how avoidant you are. these people may either ruin or develop your personality into a stronger and better one. it depends on how you are going to perceive their actions.

i also have a history. and many people know that. some loved me and some hated me for what i’ve said or done. but i learn to be smart enough when i entered in this new world. i learn to control everything and behave in a way that the people would still respect me… act in a way that i could show them how educated i am… talk in a way that the whole world would think that i’m unnecessary yet indispensable. the world is mean. that’s the first thing i noticed when i got here. sometimes you no longer need a concrete evidence to prove that the world is unfair. everything here is evident. all the things will appear right before your eyes without questions, or suggestions, or endless conversations. you can see them everyday until you get exhausted. and then i thought, “you really need to have a motivation in order to survive”. and that is when the bright and positive sides plus the ambition times determination enter the scene.

but i’m glad though that my home and school molded me to be a good individual and my experiences taught me to be a better person. at least i know how to manage everything. i can determine when is the right time to act, what are the right words to say, and how to look at things differently in order to avoid conflicts. one of my friends said “it’s ok as long as we’re not affected, unless the world will give names and we learn that we are included”. aren’t we affected yet? yes, i’d like to think so. but i respond, “yes, it’s alright. but once i learn that we are being attacked, i should let the history repeat itself”. the real world may be dangerous…and so we are.

later, i need to go home. so i need to get started with my assignments now. somehow, i am lucky to be able to penetrate this world. it’s complicated yet intriguing. full of promises, hopes, and dreams. and it’s been a year of joy and pain. and i am expecting to see myself improving on the years to come… with my own story in this mean and rude world of reality.

on jake's first night at work

… i did not sleep. My body was very tired and I knew that I need to get some rest because I have to go to work on the following day but my mind just kept on wandering. I was crying when he told me that he won’t go home until 6am. ouch! I even cooked dinner for him. but i understand perfectly. He phoned me to break a very good news. : ) just the simple statement, “honey, I got the job!”.

“huwaw! nice! so you’re on your way home right now?”.

“no, i need to stay here until 6am tomorrow, hon. I need to start my training tonight. I’m sorry.”

Just last year, he made a blog about me entering a new world… on that blog, he stated his fears of the changes and he recalled our happy moments at school. aw. that blog was full of emotion and I was deeply touched. but i never thought that one day, i’ll be doing mine about him getting in to the same world that I have penetrated a year ago… the real world.

that night seemed to be the longest night that i’ve ever experienced in my entire life. finally, the long wait is over. this morning, he came home with full of happiness and excitement. he narrated everything that happened yesterday and i found myself smiling because of the way he narrates his adventure before finally getting the job. i’m so proud of him.

on my way to work, my mind was busy calculating our time and planning the new set up. it was hard. most probably, there will be a lot of changes but I know we can make it. whew! as for now, i just need to keep in mind that everything we do today is for our future. that’s all.

trapped!

It’s getting dark and the rain’s starting to fall. you do not know what to do… you are confused and you are tired of making decisions. you want to go home but you want to stay either. you’ve been convincing yourself that everything is fine and all the things that have been bothering you lately are part of reality. until you realize that everything around you is lying. you were deceived by those things and it’s hard to escape now. so bad, nobody warned you that life, real life, could be this hard.

all this time, you’ve been thinking that everything is right until you were hit by someone. then you realize that everything was wrong…. you walked.. then you started to run. you do not know where to go. you just want to escape.

but this is life. you cried because you understand that you can never hide from it. you stand still and you see you dreams started to fade right before your eyes. they would never understand you. like what you want them to do. they have never been there. you are alone. you have nothing. you have no one.