the bell starts to ring

Damn. I was supposed to be writing about 'value proposition and differentiation' for my client but I felt an urge to write about something that has been bothering me lately. Well, it was actually Claudine's fault. I was researching about fundamentals of marketing for the completion of an order that has been stocked on my account for three days already; however, I suddenly thought of visiting my blogger account. And so I finally saw the blog post that Ara and Claude were talking about last night. For the nth time this week, I heard and read the word “marriage”. No, this is not an answer to Claude's post (she's getting famous on this blog entry), it is actually a written deep realization of what has been happening these past few days.

This chaos started when my unpredictable significant other posted a very controversial phrase on his Facebook account. It was an indirect (not proposal) statement about a very serious matter: marriage. As you could imagine, our friends commented on that post... happy, supporting, showing approval (as if they're the ones who would say yes, except for Claude (again) who directly said yes (a joke, of course). No, I am not going to elaborate more on that post, it has actually nothing to do with what is happening right now.

It became the talk of the town. we're not famous, of that I am certain, but any person who talks about something rare would definitely gain attention from the mainstream... especially when it has something to do with marriage. For the next five days, everyone was saying how happy they are for us. Okay, enough for that, Jake and I did not even talk too much about that. I asked him, yes. But what answer would you expect from someone who is either lazy to talk or just too reserved to say too much words about a specific subject?

I said, “Are you putting too much pressure on me or this is just your new idea of a joke?”.

He answered, “I'm serious”.

Okay.

The conversation ended there. We did not talk much about it although we sometimes look at the possibility of us getting married soon. The conversation is always unclosed. So I therefore conclude that we just talk about it because there are so many factors that affect us to do so.

Somehow, I am guilty.... of showing too much doubt and hesitation to my friends, talking about this topic often in front of them, and discussing about the reasons why Jake and I should and should not entertain the idea of getting married at a very young age (we're both twenty two years old, but we are already in this relationship for four years now). Apparently, I appreciate the support that my friends gave me when they saw the hint that my significant other is already thinking about this 'serious matter'. My friends, just like me, are also in stable and very serious relationship with their partners (who eventually became friends of ours) which add impact on our openness to the topic. Starting then, we've been talking about our dream weddings and laughing on each other's corny concepts of the ceremony.

Just last night, Jake and I had once again talked about this 'serious matter'. Yes, it's becoming a routine... and just like the other talks, we left it unclosed. We're not getting any younger, yes, but I know with what we are thinking about right now, we still have so many things to learn in order for us to grow. I realized that the fact that our families support our relationship gives us courage to decide on a more serious matter. At least we're certain of one thing, our parents would approve whatever decision we are going to make in the future. However, we both feel that that fact is not enough to make us brave to face the consequence of any plan that we will execute. I am fully aware of the things/problems/ reasons behind that indirect proposal.

I have a lot of plans in the future and I have never forgotten any of those... and I have not yet changed my principles in life. I will reach every little goal I set no matter what happen tomorrow. Just like other couples, we have a lot of plans, too. Countless dreams. I just hope everything will come true.

The bell starts to ring for us... maybe. But honestly, I don't think too much about it now. I know eventually, we will reach that time...when we don't need to let the opportunity pass and strive to make ourselves strong to stand for new responsibilities. Just let the bell ring, it may probably ring hard once the right time comes.

There will be no marriage between Jake and I yet. We're planning yes. And we're excited. But not yet. Trust me.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I looked at this statement for a very long time. For a few minutes I became undecided of what should I answer to a very simple question.

I was speechless and hesitant but I can feel that my heart leaps for joy at the moment I read this phrase. I couldn't speak but I know that many things could be done if I don't feel the fears that have been oppressing me and blocking my way to happiness and satisfaction.

Last night, out of boredom, I read a book entitled "Who Moved My cheese?". I've been seeing that book for almost six months already but I never took time to open it until I finally decided to browse it while waiting for the proper time to sleep. And so I began reading it without thinking that I might be affected at the end.

The question that actually moved me was not the title of the book itself, but the question "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" on the latter part of the book. What would I do If I'm not afraid? What if I don't recognize the fears that I feel deep inside my veins when I want to do something? What hinders me to go for a change? The answers to these questions are still vague as of this moment.

Finally, out of desperation, I silently answered the question with full of courage. Maybe, I'd do everything that will make me happy. Maybe, I'd leave my job, my family, and forget all the people around me and focus on my dreams. Maybe, I'd shop and stroll the biggest malls until I get tired and drop out of stress. Maybe I'd drink until I throw up. Will that make me any better? I don't know. For a very short time, I feel ecstatic, but the fears came back and made me forget the things that I was imagining just a while ago. What are those things that I'm afraid of? I know. I am aware what those things are... but I cannot enumerate them all.... I am afraid. I am afraid not only because people would learn my weaknesses, but because I don't want to realize that i am already aware of the things that I want to forget and eventually eradicate from my life. I am afraid to recognize them. I am afraid to leave them.

If only I have the courage to do all, I would surely be the happiest person ever existed on earth. I may not execute all the actions that I've been planning for a very long time, but at least I know that i am capable of doing those.

According to the main character of the book, it will take a long process. It will take time and effort. First, you need to let go of your fears one by one. People cannot easily let go of the things that they get used to.Human nature. When you become familiarized with specific actions with certain persons, you would definitely have a hard time doing the same actions with different set of people or vice versa. Natural order of things. However, there are moments when people need to look for a change in order for them to grow and move on with their lives. It may sound strange that most people would stay in their comfort zones and keep on doing the same old things in exchange with the bright future ahead of them. Oftentimes, the comfort zone is the most dangerous place... but the fact that people become accustomed to its surrounding gives a great impact on their decision to stay regardless of the hardships that they experience on that pedestrian lane. Those people are coward... and i am one of them.


It's not proper to just stay quiet when you see that something is wrong and you are involved in whatever result may come up at the end. It's wrong to hide behind the closet and cry silently when you think people should hear your sentiments. It's okay to admit that you're hurting... that you're extremely sad... or that you're feeling bad about their actions. Sarcasm doesn't work all the time. It's okay to shout when you're mad, laugh when you're happy, and undress when you feel you want to be naked. Why do people always consider others' opinions?

Sometimes, you are being ignored despite your effort. They would not treat you fairly in spite of your determination to prove your worth. Reality bites.
If you feel you're no longer important, go!
If you're not valued, move!
If you're not loved, don't ask for affection, walk away!
It might be hard at first, but you will be the one to benefit at the end. Remember, it's their loss, not yours.

See? I know what to do, but I do not know where to start. Apparently, I've seen the solutions to these problems, I just don't want to start yet. Not now. I will wait for the right moment to come.

At the end of that reading, I learned that it's okay to take a risk.... it's okay to look for a change. Sometimes, taking risks is more worthy than the memories that the comfort zones provide for those people who have been imprisoned there for seemingly million years.


"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

I WOULD RUN AWAY.....

and here we go again... tantanananan...

and so here i go again… thinking about the things that i should have never done. blaming myself for the words that i should have never said. and looking back at the places that i should have never visited. but i thought…it’s over. i cannot go back to fix all of those. besides, i gained. maybe i lost some. but still i was able to learn and see the things that i have never ever thought possible. those were products of illusions before…and now they are real.

after a long hour of sleep, i got up with too much hope and enthusiasm. somehow, deep inside my heart, i was a bit broken, irritated, and confused. but that’s ok. everything’s normal. these feelings are the same feelings that i feel everytime bad things occur…especially when i know i should be affected. like what… national issues, office issues, family issues…and so on and so forth. there are so many things..and they just make my day ruined. and so i’m stressed… tired of all the things that have been bothering me lately. this “nicole rape case” issue, “nation of servants” statement, and early political campaigns… complicated yet worthy of my attention. what does my problem has to with these issues now? none. they’re not even part of it. only, i realized that in some way or another, they are the same. complicated. tiring. bullshit.

anyway, i’m not coward. i know with the problems that the world is facing now and with all the coward people that should be solving those issues yet hiding behind their closets, i know, i must face my own and live peacefully in the society that is really chaotic. ironic. yes. i have been looking at the brighter sides. fortunately, i have been living with that philosophy. only that, some sides of life are not bright (really) no matter how positive you look at it. natural order of things.

Are you mad? NO, I'M NOT. So, You're not scared? YES, I'M NOT. And you're fine? YES, I AM.

i’ve been sitting here for almost three hours now, and i haven’t done anything yet. i want to sleep. i want to go somewhere else. i want something new. it’s only Wednesday, and i still have two more days to endure this grogginess. oops, don’t get me wrong. i don’t hate what i’m doing. i don’t love it either. just right. or maybe, i’m feeling this because i have too many reasons to do so.

i’m tired. i get easily tired this past few days. it’s not just about the work. perhaps because of too many unsettled conversations about endless issues. anyway, there is no problem with that really…or probably i’m just convincing myself that we are fine.

i’m pressured. i want to do something and yet the chances of reaching the goal seem vague as of this moment. and i’m starting to lose my patience. i can’t wait to see myself reach those goals and objectives. yes, i know. i know those are attainable and that will depend on me and my capability. perhaps the idea that something would block the way that i’ve been seeing as clear and bright makes me scared. i just wish that people around me have an idea how my heart burns with desire.

however, as i grow older, i realize that the world will not support you just because they can see your determination. some people would tap your shoulder for two reasons; first, they think your a great person for aiming for something more and they would wish you luck and tell you how proud they will be for you. of course those words are flattering, and i know inside their hearts, those words are true. second; they think you’re a great dreamer. yes. for aiming something that they think you would never ever reach. of course i don’t have to listen to those people. i’d rather stick to the first category, no matter how few they are.

once you enter in the real world, you’ll be surprised that there are more types of people than you expected when you were still on your training field. yes, they exist. the ones that you see on films and television really exist, only that, the people in the real world can either be milder or worst. the ones you see on screen are mediated and the ones you will meet in real world are true. with their own scripts, actions, and stories to tell.

eventually, you’ll find it weird, that those people are smart but often appear as stupid. they are pretty but would often act insecure. you cannot easily identify them…because there are more stories behind that you need to know by yourself. they are countless, so you will definitely meet them no matter how avoidant you are. these people may either ruin or develop your personality into a stronger and better one. it depends on how you are going to perceive their actions.

i also have a history. and many people know that. some loved me and some hated me for what i’ve said or done. but i learn to be smart enough when i entered in this new world. i learn to control everything and behave in a way that the people would still respect me… act in a way that i could show them how educated i am… talk in a way that the whole world would think that i’m unnecessary yet indispensable. the world is mean. that’s the first thing i noticed when i got here. sometimes you no longer need a concrete evidence to prove that the world is unfair. everything here is evident. all the things will appear right before your eyes without questions, or suggestions, or endless conversations. you can see them everyday until you get exhausted. and then i thought, “you really need to have a motivation in order to survive”. and that is when the bright and positive sides plus the ambition times determination enter the scene.

but i’m glad though that my home and school molded me to be a good individual and my experiences taught me to be a better person. at least i know how to manage everything. i can determine when is the right time to act, what are the right words to say, and how to look at things differently in order to avoid conflicts. one of my friends said “it’s ok as long as we’re not affected, unless the world will give names and we learn that we are included”. aren’t we affected yet? yes, i’d like to think so. but i respond, “yes, it’s alright. but once i learn that we are being attacked, i should let the history repeat itself”. the real world may be dangerous…and so we are.

later, i need to go home. so i need to get started with my assignments now. somehow, i am lucky to be able to penetrate this world. it’s complicated yet intriguing. full of promises, hopes, and dreams. and it’s been a year of joy and pain. and i am expecting to see myself improving on the years to come… with my own story in this mean and rude world of reality.

Addiction

i was supposed to say no. but i felt the urge of accepting all the offers and say yes instead of walking away with nothing. so every time the world is offering the same things that i have been enjoying since i discovered that there could be more to life, i’m accepting everything with wide arms open. those are the same things that i’ve known for so long, but the idea of having them all again and seeing myself float from sticky mud of agony is the most beautiful thing that life could offer to someone like me. it’s like an addiction. when i took it the first time, i said i will never take it again, but i kept on going back and asking for more until i couldn’t stand the cravings. honestly, i cannot blame myself for grabbing all the opportunities. they just make me whole.

and so here i am now, almost running just to take another chance. my feet start to bleed and my back has been aching due to constant running and walking. but i know everything will be fine once i go back to where i came from with full of joy in my heart. im sure i will not fail because the opportunities are always there, just waiting for my return. but sometimes i pray to heaven that this addiction stays longer than i’ve been expecting. i hope.

sometimes, you can never say what will make the person satisfied. with my status now, i know i am better than what i was few years ago. but the chances that i keep on murmuring before are still the same chances that i am praying now. i hate new when it comes to this kind of issue. i don’t want anything. i’d rather stay to the original. at least im fine with this situation even though its hard. the important thing is im happy. it might end to many conflicts later on but im ready for all the possibilities. besides, i know everyone will walk with me. and everyone is nodding because they know how fun it is to have this kind of opportunity.

you can’t have a certain thing in just one pray, really. it takes time. life is great..and that depends on how you are going to perceive it. and now that i have found mine, i will never ever lose it again. thank God for this addiction.

on jake's first night at work

… i did not sleep. My body was very tired and I knew that I need to get some rest because I have to go to work on the following day but my mind just kept on wandering. I was crying when he told me that he won’t go home until 6am. ouch! I even cooked dinner for him. but i understand perfectly. He phoned me to break a very good news. : ) just the simple statement, “honey, I got the job!”.

“huwaw! nice! so you’re on your way home right now?”.

“no, i need to stay here until 6am tomorrow, hon. I need to start my training tonight. I’m sorry.”

Just last year, he made a blog about me entering a new world… on that blog, he stated his fears of the changes and he recalled our happy moments at school. aw. that blog was full of emotion and I was deeply touched. but i never thought that one day, i’ll be doing mine about him getting in to the same world that I have penetrated a year ago… the real world.

that night seemed to be the longest night that i’ve ever experienced in my entire life. finally, the long wait is over. this morning, he came home with full of happiness and excitement. he narrated everything that happened yesterday and i found myself smiling because of the way he narrates his adventure before finally getting the job. i’m so proud of him.

on my way to work, my mind was busy calculating our time and planning the new set up. it was hard. most probably, there will be a lot of changes but I know we can make it. whew! as for now, i just need to keep in mind that everything we do today is for our future. that’s all.

OMG!

everything happens according to plan. just last year, i was dreaming of going back to school and now this dream is becoming real. i was in hurry. i collected my papers as fast as i could, submitted them to who had the authority to approve my application, took the examination, and bingo! after that seemingly endless hardship, i was informed that i can now enrol for the next semester. the only phrase i muttered was”oh my god!”.

and then i finally take a long break… let the time run and sat down for a very long moment. am i sure? yes, of course. this is what i want! am i just being pressured by the things that i can see in the real world right now? well, maybe. but isn’t that important? being affected by the worst elements on earth? i should make a difference. am i ready to face this new challenge? now, enough. i am being paranoid again. these thoughts won’t help me reach my goals.

there are so many unwelcome thoughts on my mind right now. but i am certain of two things. I am excited. I am nervous. I don’t know what will happen next but since i am already here, i guess i have no other choice but to pursue it. after all, this is what i want. this is what i’ve been planning for so long. this is the opportunity that i’ve been waiting for.

yeah maybe, im just beng OA. forgive me, i am very nervous and i’m not even sure what will be the next scenes. all i know is, I am afraid but i cannot show it to everyone because they know that i’ve been talking about this thing eversince i came out from that “training field” and entered in this “real world”. God bless me. and please…. wish me luck.

Are you afraid?

I’m not.

I’ve been thinking how hard it will be to live without the things that you’ve already get used to in your life. It must be one of the hardest things that a person could encounter during his or her existence. Heartbreaking. Disappointing. Challenging. But as soon as I become emotional about this thought, I suddenly realized that these changes are needed in order to grow… and eventually survive to bigger and harder conflicts in the future. I saw all the advantages of failing for a specific thing and I somehow felt excited to experience ‘that’ change, but deep inside my heart, I sensed the fear that I never ever felt before. It was eating me alive.

I was cursing myself for planning of failing and I almost slap myself when I finally realized that I’m up to it. Ready. Boastful. Provoking. I once dreamed of having a life in a good and fair environment. Fortunately, I have found the path after trying the wrong ones. A path to the world that I’ve never thought existing. And after a long walk, I arrived there with full of hope… and I started to enjoy all the things that that world can offer. I never wasted a chance. Everything was taken.

After a very long time, I started to feel afraid, and I started to see the problems. Until now I’m not certain…. of what makes me afraid… of what’s bothering me… and of where do I want to end up. All I know is I am afraid and nothing and no one can help me but myself.

Suddenly, I see all the aspects in my life that I have never considered as wrong. I hate myself for being outspoken. I hate myself for being approachable. I hate myself for being too sensitive. I hate myself for thinking of revenge against some people who hurt me. And once again, I felt very immature.

But everything in me makes up my personality which I think, has been part of the problem. I’ve been in the highest state of paranoia. In the end of the planning process, I have concluded that I’ve been ready to fail… but I can never deny the fact that I don’t want to be in the losing end. I’m no longer afraid. I am ready for everything no matter how hard every consequence will be. I ended up planning out of the best things that that world may provide but I continue to look at the possibility of failing in the future. It may sound ironic. But I’ve been contented with the way I view my life…. and I’ve been applying that philosophy in all the things around me.

a rainy day in summer

The light starts to fade and the clouds become dominated by darkness. Indeed, it is a wonderful day… a moment that everyone had been dreaming of. As the darkness descend from the sky to conceal the entire surroundings, the rain starts to fall, but liberty shouts for joy.

The long day is over and every home waits for the return of the masters. The deafening sound of silence behind every wall seems to boast the freedom that each wall has for those who will come back to regain the energy and strength.

It is the happiest day that everyone had encountered in their entire lives. Unquestionably. This day is full of adventure…. it is full of deception… full of happiness… full of promises for the future, for the brighter days.

Finally, the darkness rule over the whole universe. It has been the most awaited time of the day. A moment when everyone could laugh as loud as they want, cry as hard as they can, sleep as peaceful as the silent night, and love as much as they need to in order to get back the affection. It is the only time when they can really plan for their most impossible dream. Everyone is now hidden in the darkness of the night.

Tomorrow is another day to conquer the fears, show the capabilities, and start for a new beginning. Hopefully, there will be no more rain tomorrow, but if the night would only stay forever, it will be better to stay behind the walls and hide in the darkness of the evening. As for now, whether they like it or not, everyone must ready themselves for another sunrise… and hope for a brighter tomorrow.