falling down

I really don’t want to bother him with this. But there’s an urge inside me that keeps on forcing me to say what he needs to hear. I am afraid though that he might not believe on what I am going to say and block his mind with nonsense thoughts. That would definitely ruin the foundation that we have invested in a very long time.

It’s just hard sometimes to see him in mess. I have said everything to him before but I couldn’t see the effects. Maybe he was not really listening. Maybe my opinions have no appeal to him. I wish I could say everything to him. But that would definitely hurt him. He would never understand because he has his own ideas too. And I don’t want to decide for him because that would mean invading his privacy and ruining his dignity as a person.

I just wish he would understand what I mean. My sensitivity has always been his complain. Sometimes I wonder if I influence him in a good way. But whenever something bad happens, I always come up with the conclusion that my actions have something to do with that problem. Then suddenly I would become guilty… for not warning him… for not advising him beforehand… for not enumerating the possible consequences… for supporting him with his decisions. And then I would ask myself: what really is my function in his life?

Until now, I am not certain… of what role should I play in order to be a perfect partner for him… of what should I say regarding his dilemma… of where should I stand in order not to hurt his feelings. I am certain of only one thing… there’s something wrong with the way we treat every problem. Avoidance? I don’t know. We have gone this far and we have gone through a lot of things before we reach this moment.... when everything seems perfectly normal. Both of us sworn that we won’t let each other down and we would stay strong in the future… and yes, we believed each other.

His problem bothers me. And even though he had told me thousands times already not to think about it, I can’t help myself but to look back and worry about his situation. I trust him; I just wish everything would go with the flow… in favor of him. And I pray that he would always remember how lucky he is for having a lot of people who love him despite everything.