unsent letter

You've been scaring the hell out of me! I wonder why you love to take risks. You have never asked me how i feel about your decisions... your actions... about everything. Have you ever said thank you to those people who love me for who i am and accepted me for what i have? No,,, you will never do that... because you have no idea how terrible my days were...how mad i am... how broken i am... and how affected my life is. I wish i have the courage to tell you. I wish i could say it to your face. so you'll know that I'm still remembering all those things. and my heart is full of hatred now. i wish you'll have the chance to know how those things affected my life, how those pleasurable moments for you turned me to be the worst person that i am now.

Where were you during those sleepless nights? those times when i wanted to tell you how bad the guys were in my dream... and how big the serpents were... and how dark the cave was. i was afraid to wake you up because i knew you would say i was lunatic. and we both hate awkward moments. You are near... i can even hear your breath and your laugh and your whispers....but no, you're very distant. I cannot hug you. I can never reach you. And I know that's exactly how you feel too.


I was wondering too if you could share your opinion when somebody broke my heart. Am I supposed to cry or should i fight back? Is it alright to tell the whole world that you're alone even if many people could still salvage you from distress? How am I going to heal a broken heart when all I could remember are the painful things that you have given me? I want you to tell me if I'm doing the right thing and I have finally found the right person. I need your opinion. I want you to say how proud you are of me when somebody told me that I am worth loving... and that I deserve all the best things on earth.


Oh yes, I understand. You can't share whatever is on your mind... because you know I would never listen to you. You know that I will just ignore you... just how you ignored me when I told you that our lives are being affected by the unfairness of society... and that our reputation have already been damaged. Unfortunately, we're not that kind of persons. We will never talk as if we are the actors in one of the most awaited films. We both hate drama. Our lives are full of tragedy... or comedy rather.


But you matter a lot to me. How I wish you have an idea how much I wanted to give all the greatest things to you and to all the people that are connected to us. You taught me how to be firm by letting me go out alone. I wish someday you'll learn who I really am. Maybe you'll love me when you discover that I'm good in some fields that you never thought possible. You'll be surprised.. and you'll be proud. Or maybe, you're going to hate me when you learn that I'm a tough person sometimes... that I gained a lot of friends but I have more enemies because I am sometimes perceived as arrogant. But a lot of people love me. They think I'm fun to be with... and they think I'm smart... just like you.


Someday, I'm going to have the life that I have been dreaming of. And I swear to myself that before I do that, I'm going to thank you for all the bad and good things that you have done for me. How I wish you will still be there to witness how good I will be... I'm going to make you feel that you have made the right or wrong decision. But you know after all this, I'm going to head my way to where I belong. And now, I must say, after what happened, you're still the greatest assets in my life. I never forget to thank you for that.