Walls

They say some people are alone because they build walls instead of bridges... I am one of them. The only difference is that the wall that I have built around myself is too thick and too high that no bridge can ever be connected. But I like it that way. I love living in the world that only me could exist.. for more than two decades, it has been my comfort zone. As I grow old, I meet more people... and I learned to make a hole to be able to connect to them. I let some people enter my world and at the end, I somehow regret that I broke my rule.

No, I am not a loner. The wall that I am referring to is my way of connecting to people. If acquaintance is most people's way of surviving in this world, I prefer the opposite. I rely to myself on everything and it has been in the the blood that runs through my veins ever since.

This is where everything becomes complicated. People offer love and friendship... time and knowledge, things that I allowed to pass through the small holes of my thick and high walls. I never begged for love. I never asked for it. I just let people love me...that's the end of the story. Loving people more than they love you often ends with suffering, so I taught myself to detach to things that might give disappointment at the end. There's just one thing that amazed me so much, some people will love you no matter who you are and what you believe in... so I tried my best to return the love that they give me. But I keep myself alert and aware of the possibilities of coming back to my sealed and concealed world any moment of the day.

I just continue to value people that stay with me. It became a general rule. I would stand for the love that I have for them as long as they want it. I learned how to go with the flow in the world outside my own. It's a simple formula... people love you, then love those who you think you'd like to love. Love freely, then move away when you're hurt. A simple equation that made me stronger in facing the future.

People may judge me, they may criticize me..after all this is a free country, but at the end, these beliefs keep me breathing. This serves as my oxygen to life. They continue to tell me that I can never live alone, but they're wrong. I was living alone, happy and contented, before they saw me. People will tell me to just be me and love the life that I live with them, then judge me for my perceptions. This is one thing that people always forget, no one can ever threaten someone that they're going to deprive them something that they never needed in the first place. And I'm certain of one thing, I will keep on surviving no matter how many times I lose people and come back in my world alone again.

I'm a survivalist, that's for sure.