a letter to You

Dear God,

Here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone. It's supposed to be good but it sounds strange to me in some ways. Have I told you before that I'm in ecstasy whenever I hear the name? And I'm dreaming that I would gain something from that someone someday. Whatever it is that make me satisfied, I don't know. I don't wanna know.

I hate the words from the mouth of that person, they make me weak. Every word crawls to every smallest part of my vein, like electricity... always in for the kill. But the sound of that voice penetrates my pores, making me tremble, making me faint... worst, making me shout and cry for so much joy. Sometimes, that voice makes me want to vomit, but that rarely happened. No, that never happened. Because all words were absorbed, even the softest sound, even the periods, and the comma, and the exclamation mark of every statement. Words suck my strength until I could move nor cry no more.

They say it's illusion. Who the hell said that? I say it's foolishness. And being insane is far better than hopeless imagination. I'm crazy. If that's the only excuse to keep myself away from reality, I'd embrace it. With all my heart. With my body and soul.

Then, I heard it. I heard the calmest sound on earth... and everything turned blue. No, everything turned red. It soothes the pain and uneasiness in the marrow of my bones. Oh please, I don't want this to be real. Let it go back to where it came from and visit me in my dream. That voice is the sweetest dream ever,I want it stay that way.

God, are you kidding me?
Someone told me that dreams are dreams because they can't be real. But as I grow old, I become aware that that fact does not conform to the real scenario in this world. So bad. I once dreamt of that voice, and it's becoming real. I was hesitant, but it appeared right before my eyes, inviting, loving, soothing. Hey, are dreams made to be real?

And now, here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone... with that calm and loving voice. With the sound of life and endless affection. Something goes right and that voice would remain at peace. When everything gone wrong, the voice still remains. Indeed, a weird voice. A weird personality.

As days pass by, I become more ecstatic and confused with the presence of that sound. Abstract yet visible. It continues to shed light to my dark soul. It steals my consciousness. It keeps me alive and dead at the same time. I hate it. No, I love it.

I have one wish, and I hope You would listen and put the joke on me... if answering a weird prayer would mean a serious joke. Of all the dreams I had in my sleep, I wish this one, the voice of that someone, would remain a dream forever. Please, don't make this real... for real always has an ending. It always has a limitation. It restricts everything. So keep it in me, through my dreams.

Please let me give my trust fully. Let me listen to that voice with no hesitations in mind and fears in my heart. Let that voice serve as your bridge through me. I'm afraid but I'm still willing to listen. Despite the broken heart.

Could I possibly have it? That one wish? Yes, I know you know better. It's a wish. Just like a daughter wanting a rug doll from her mother for Christmas. Just like an unsold pair of shoes in the store, wanting to be owned by someone. I just want something to remain part of the ordinary.

And here I go again.

I'm dreaming of something real.

Something that is already an inch away. A word away. A world away.

Can I have it forever? I know it's willing to stay... so I'm the one who needs to be healed. I need your encouragement. And I need its presence.

As for now, let me dream. And make it real when I'm done closing the darkest door of suffocating past.

I'm dreaming of that someone now... everything is perfect... it's scary..it's so real. I will dream until I get lost.


Love,
Your beloved daughter