Attention: This post is too serious that you might think that the author is a total stranger. I might sound emo (duh!) if that is what you call to the person who rarely write something different about herself. You may also be surprised by the content for I never mentioned some parts of this blog entry before. So just read them , because you will never hear it from me in person. haha!
There it goes....
I always have a reputation of being independent. My family and friends have been telling me how hard-headed I am specially on those issues where I need to be more careful and sensitive. Ooopps, don't get me wrong. I'm not proud to say this, but the people around me seem to be surprised in every action or every statement that I say and do which often result to negative impression. So, if you're reading this and you do not know me, you might think that I am a rebel and misunderstood. But no, whether you believe it or not, I have a lot of friends and my family loves me so much. If there's one thing that I'm always proud of, it is the idea that I have a lot of people that I know would never fail to back me up in my worst time of the day. So when people raise their eyebrows on my behaviour, I'm not bothered... those people who love me for I am are aware that I talk, act, and even dress the way that will be comfortable and satisfying for myself.
If I sound arrogant sometimes, this is not because I just want to hurt somebody's feelings. Yes, I sometimes talk carelessly, but because of the type of environment I grew up to, and the things happened in my life before I reached this age, I learned to be more sensitive of other's emotions. So, I also learned to be more sarcastic (sarcasm doesn't help all the time, but on certain issues, yes.) rather than be honest when I want to point out something that would break the heart of others. And until this moment, I think it's more effective.
I grew up with rage in my heart. That is something that will never ever be eradicated from me until death... unless I let it go. But those traumatic incidents resulted to more conflicting ones which made me plant more rage as I grow old. On the positive light, I became mature... and I have set in mind that I could never be the person that I am now if those things did not happen in my life....our lives. At least, I am aware that some bad incidents provide good results at the end. But, the end will never justify the means. And so, the rage planted more roots in my heart.
That is the reason why I hate rejections.
.... failure.
.... unanswered questions.
.... judgemental minds.
.... unrequited love.
I shared everything, the story of the past and my feelings toward the situations today to only one person. Aside from God, I know everything would be safe on that person. No, it's not that I am ashamed (somehow, yes), but I do not really want to open the topic or even look back at those moments, it breaks the life that I forced to be as organized as I can. The very thought of it breaks me into pieces... and I haven't gotten over it yet. No, I will never get over it. Never. My life sucks. And I'm trying to live like a normal human being. No past. No future. Though, I'm aiming to have a brighter tomorrow for I've been living in the dark for ages.
So here I am now, product of the past, with fears and ambitions, rage and expectations. The person who knows everything would say "Enough, let it go. Free yourself from it." My heart would respond, "You just don't understand, I want to be free myself, but the ghosts do not want to let me."
Bitterness. Revenge. Wounds. Avoidance. Hesitations. Paranoia. Those moments marked these things in my mind. And I know, these things imprison me and hinder me to live freely. I wonder what I was in my past life and what I will be in my next.
Yes, the world changes and so the people and other elements included in it. Somehow, I changed... but the things happened yesterday remained the same. Too bad. I changed my perceptions in life, but the history which has been the foundation of my identity and my personality had been written. It will never ever change despite all the prayers that I used to say before I sleep at night. God has a purpose. I'm not yet ready to know that purpose.
And today, I'm a grown up. One day, I realized that I'm no longer a kid. I learned to let go of the things that I know would be better in someone else's hands, cry in silence, say words that are soft but would bring a lot of meanings to their ears, and stand like I never got wounded. But one more thing that I learned out of the things happened as I grow up is to expect for the good things to end. It has been my biggest fear. It may sound positive on some issues specifically the unstable ones, but it also affect my perspectives as a human being. My mind is always ready for heartbreaking scenarios... it kills the pain and expectations. It's like a comfortable hug from a friend when you are in distress... after a while, you know, it would end. They would eventually move backward. Like a kiss when you want to escape for a while and feel the love of a special someone, you know, it would end... it should only last for a second.
So I learned to do things on my own... face troubles on my own... and ease the pain without others knowing that I am hurt. Unfortunately, those things are more painful. When I think that I can do everything on my own, I'm becoming more violent inside.
I never get emotional about serious matters. When I have the authority on specific subjects, I rarely use my emotions to solve conflicts. And like what I said earlier, it has been more effective... but I always get an impression of being approachable but stone-hearted. Yes, ironic.
The past and the people around me, friends and enemies, teach me well. The people that I admire make me set standard for myself. I become more ambitious. And I began to love myself more. The admirers (not suitors) make me ashamed of small contributions and lesser knowledge. So I become more ambitious. And I began to strive for more. My buddies, who have seen me in my ups and downs, provide room for fun and confessions. These people open my eyes to see the real world and say things that would either encourage and discourage me to do what I want. No, they never told me what to do, but at least they serve as inspiration and guidance in making decisions.
I do not give and ask for advice because I hate invading other's privacy... I believe in the saying "do not do unto others what you do not want to do unto you." So I do not give unasked advice too, I always think it will be trespassing someone else's privacy... I always ask for opinion when I think I need some guidance. It's been important that I hear their thoughts about my actions and my plans despite the fact that the people closest to me always tell me that my pride eats me out. They say I have a huge ego... bigger than I thought.
Needless to say, my plans are already properly mapped. It already has arrows and instructions on where to go to and how to reach those goals. Ironically, my heart and mind have been separated ever since this journey began. My mind wants to go there, but my heart wants something else. My mind always wins... and I'm glad. However, recently, I realized that I'm beginning to listen to what my heart wants to say. I'm starting to convince myself that happiness is far better than any achievement that a person could get. So this makes me hesitant... and this makes me stop dreaming for a while. No regrets. But I feel millions of reasons to be worried. And that make a lot of difference. Suddenly, my pride gave me enough courage to do something that is not included in my plan. I gambled... and the game has just started. Somehow, I blame myself for being such a jerk. Do I know what I'm doing? Definitely, yes. I'm losing something over something. Then, I realized that it's my life... and nobody can control this other than myself. However, I was attacked by the thought of being me, what if I don't want this any more? Am I just going to throw it all away? Maybe. Natural order of things. again.... for me. All things would eventually end... and people would definitely die... I'm no exception.
After reading this, you might say "Ah, kaya pala". You might probably look back at those moments when I speak my mind freely, ignoring the reactions of other people, leaving them admiring or hating me, and trying to keep my composure in the middle of commotion. No, don't conclude yet, this is just part of the story. What I am in front of my family and friends, or even in front of strangers is real... no mask. I only have secrets, but the person that people see in me expresses natural behaviors. I still belive in the theory of "the I and the me", though.
I'm growing old... I'm getting older everyday... and everything is getting more serious. The black hidden agenda hinders liberty. I would assure myself that when I die, I could tell everyone that I had a great journey. And today, I'm living my life to the fullest!
