a fake story

Thinking about those things never made her optimistic. These past few days have been very tiring for her. But she has been stressed for no apparent reason. Random images keep on flashing to her mind but she was not able to recognized any of those... until she had finally convinced herself that she needs to see a doctor. According to her personality test she is highly paranoid and histrionic. Maybe, she has totally gone insane. Good for her.

She hates everyone around her. Aside from those people who frankly said that they don't like her, she started to hate the presence of the people who keep on saying that they love her. No, it's not that she does not want a company anymore... but it's just because she had realized that these people are just the same. They would listen to her, then eventually, hate her for her opinions... and her actions. She is not depressed because she feels like nobody is willing to give her time any more, but it's the idea of wanting to escape and go to far away land but couldn't find an opportunity because everyone tries to hug her as if they know what is on her mind. They are just as crazy as she is.

She is not sick... but she often feels the pain on her head... slowly going downward to her chest... and the pain would stay there for a very long time until she could no longer stand it.

She wants to thank everyone around her, but they seem to focus only on the stories that she keeps on telling in front of them over and over again. Then she became mad... but she could not tell them for they are the important persons in her story. She became jealous of everybody's achievements but could not accept the idea so she always pinch herself every time this thought comes to her mind. They are not true... they are just part of her novel.

She always hear that phrase from their mouths, but the statement seems unreal for her. She is just being fooled by them... they are lying. She knows that, because when they told her that she is valuable, she would see the evidences of lying.. and those are often transparent... enough to make her understand everything. She has reached the period where she often feel tired and distressed... and those things made her numb of every pain that may ruin her concentration. They are all liars.... and someday, when she get the chance and energy to do what she wants, she would leave them... like what they did to her in the past. And she would never look back because she does not want to break the strong determination inside her. She will just walk away.

unsent letter

You've been scaring the hell out of me! I wonder why you love to take risks. You have never asked me how i feel about your decisions... your actions... about everything. Have you ever said thank you to those people who love me for who i am and accepted me for what i have? No,,, you will never do that... because you have no idea how terrible my days were...how mad i am... how broken i am... and how affected my life is. I wish i have the courage to tell you. I wish i could say it to your face. so you'll know that I'm still remembering all those things. and my heart is full of hatred now. i wish you'll have the chance to know how those things affected my life, how those pleasurable moments for you turned me to be the worst person that i am now.

Where were you during those sleepless nights? those times when i wanted to tell you how bad the guys were in my dream... and how big the serpents were... and how dark the cave was. i was afraid to wake you up because i knew you would say i was lunatic. and we both hate awkward moments. You are near... i can even hear your breath and your laugh and your whispers....but no, you're very distant. I cannot hug you. I can never reach you. And I know that's exactly how you feel too.


I was wondering too if you could share your opinion when somebody broke my heart. Am I supposed to cry or should i fight back? Is it alright to tell the whole world that you're alone even if many people could still salvage you from distress? How am I going to heal a broken heart when all I could remember are the painful things that you have given me? I want you to tell me if I'm doing the right thing and I have finally found the right person. I need your opinion. I want you to say how proud you are of me when somebody told me that I am worth loving... and that I deserve all the best things on earth.


Oh yes, I understand. You can't share whatever is on your mind... because you know I would never listen to you. You know that I will just ignore you... just how you ignored me when I told you that our lives are being affected by the unfairness of society... and that our reputation have already been damaged. Unfortunately, we're not that kind of persons. We will never talk as if we are the actors in one of the most awaited films. We both hate drama. Our lives are full of tragedy... or comedy rather.


But you matter a lot to me. How I wish you have an idea how much I wanted to give all the greatest things to you and to all the people that are connected to us. You taught me how to be firm by letting me go out alone. I wish someday you'll learn who I really am. Maybe you'll love me when you discover that I'm good in some fields that you never thought possible. You'll be surprised.. and you'll be proud. Or maybe, you're going to hate me when you learn that I'm a tough person sometimes... that I gained a lot of friends but I have more enemies because I am sometimes perceived as arrogant. But a lot of people love me. They think I'm fun to be with... and they think I'm smart... just like you.


Someday, I'm going to have the life that I have been dreaming of. And I swear to myself that before I do that, I'm going to thank you for all the bad and good things that you have done for me. How I wish you will still be there to witness how good I will be... I'm going to make you feel that you have made the right or wrong decision. But you know after all this, I'm going to head my way to where I belong. And now, I must say, after what happened, you're still the greatest assets in my life. I never forget to thank you for that.

unwelcome thoughts

Unwelcome thoughts have been poisoning your mind but you keep on believing in the same philosophy that people have toward life. Everyday, in every problem, people are forced to decide and solve each dilemma based on reality. This fact might bring confusion though because most people end up losing something or doing the same old things that affect their lives negatively. You learn to view the world based on what you have seen, heard, and felt during your existence and all the things that you have witnessed and done by yourself have been the constructed reality for you.

Every minute, you convince yourself that life is hard and easy at the same time. Lacking something has always been a part of life and having what you need has to be considered as a good fortune. But what if you wake up one day and you realize that the world does not move based on what you have perceived toward it? You have confirmed that the world is round and the earth is the third planet in the universe but the reality that you have constructed based on the facts that you have known for so long are not exactly the truth that you should get in order to survive. Yes, confusing.

You must agree that life can be just simple if you are going to make it as simple as possible. It means you would exist in this world based on your choices. You have the power to choose a simple or a harder life if you want. But how about the external factors? Those things that have something to do with you but you do not have the power over them are what you consider as external factors. You cannot predict if the abstract things are true unless people told them to you that they are or until you have felt that those are really factual. But before you come up with the conclusion that what you feel toward something or someone and what other people feel toward you is true, you may have gone through a lot of realizations first. Then you would confidently believe that the world is full of beautiful things. That is reality for you. Your constantly changing perception and knowledge about life have been firm to the point that you become blinded about the other aspect of the world.

What if everything that you have known for so long is not true? What if everything you see and all the things you hear are lying? What if everything that has been there exists only to deceive you? What if you wake up one morning by the noise of the real sound of music? You are surprised by the true color of your surrounding. And the words that you hear are the exact opposite of the words that have been used to you before you fell asleep. The emotion has not yet changed but these new facts tear your heart into pieces. And then you wonder where it all come from and where do all those old things go.



Finally, due to unending questions and hardships of convincing yourself, you would ask: what if everything is just a product of someone else’s illusion?

falling down

I really don’t want to bother him with this. But there’s an urge inside me that keeps on forcing me to say what he needs to hear. I am afraid though that he might not believe on what I am going to say and block his mind with nonsense thoughts. That would definitely ruin the foundation that we have invested in a very long time.

It’s just hard sometimes to see him in mess. I have said everything to him before but I couldn’t see the effects. Maybe he was not really listening. Maybe my opinions have no appeal to him. I wish I could say everything to him. But that would definitely hurt him. He would never understand because he has his own ideas too. And I don’t want to decide for him because that would mean invading his privacy and ruining his dignity as a person.

I just wish he would understand what I mean. My sensitivity has always been his complain. Sometimes I wonder if I influence him in a good way. But whenever something bad happens, I always come up with the conclusion that my actions have something to do with that problem. Then suddenly I would become guilty… for not warning him… for not advising him beforehand… for not enumerating the possible consequences… for supporting him with his decisions. And then I would ask myself: what really is my function in his life?

Until now, I am not certain… of what role should I play in order to be a perfect partner for him… of what should I say regarding his dilemma… of where should I stand in order not to hurt his feelings. I am certain of only one thing… there’s something wrong with the way we treat every problem. Avoidance? I don’t know. We have gone this far and we have gone through a lot of things before we reach this moment.... when everything seems perfectly normal. Both of us sworn that we won’t let each other down and we would stay strong in the future… and yes, we believed each other.

His problem bothers me. And even though he had told me thousands times already not to think about it, I can’t help myself but to look back and worry about his situation. I trust him; I just wish everything would go with the flow… in favor of him. And I pray that he would always remember how lucky he is for having a lot of people who love him despite everything.

will he ever read this?

Probably, this may appear as typical and ordinary story for this often happens to anyone. This is not a love story, in fact, this is a story of my life… our lives particularly. I have found love in an unexpected moment. When I was not thinking anything but the heartaches that i have recently experienced and the possible cure to end that feeling easily. Don’t get me wrong, I was finding for a solution. I wasn’t looking for another relationship to cure my broken heart. A rainy day of December four years ago had become a very remarkable day in my life. Not only because I have finally met the man of my dreams( damn! I never believe in “man of my dreams” thing), but because I have two reasons of making that day a very special one. First, is because I have found a new way to live my life. and second is because, yes, I have found the man whom I consider now as my dream. I was once a fan of fairy tales stories, but when one of my mentors made us realized how unrealistic their stories are, I started to think of new way to create my own love story. Of course, not patterned to what Cinderella and Snow White once had. But I failed to do so. Probably because everything came unexpectedly. All the words were said unexpectedly. All actions were made unexpectedly. And all decisions were made in very unpredictable moments. It was indeed a test of time.

Why did I say that? My man and I had been friends for a long time already before we decided to try to commit in a more serious relationship. See? We met each other in one of the school’s events but we hardly noticed each other. Maybe because, our eyes were still focused on different persons during that time. Then, later on we became acquainted. I guess, same interests made it easier for us to get closer. Finally, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I decided to accept that proposal in one sunny day of August the following year. That was the start of everything….

At first, it was a normal relationship. Surprisingly, it became extra ordinary. Yes, we’ve been friends even before we decided to enter in a more serious relationship, but I must say, our friendship just started there. It was like giving birth to a child, planning its future, and taking care of it while it grows up. That was exactly what happened and what’s happening to us right now. Basically, we’ve been through a lot of trials before we’ve gone this far. Keeping the ball rolling on first weeks or months of the relationship was hard… but, believe it or not, as the relationship becomes longer and the feelings become deeper, keeping the ball rolling is definitely harder. Honestly, I once decided to leave, but the investment made it harder for me to decide. Apparently, it was not love that made me hesitant to leave. In the first place, I was still loving my former boyfriend when we decided to part ways. We can find love anywhere, but we cannot easily invest and build a strong foundation to just anyone. I guess, it became our weapon for each other. I mean, our sweet weapon to keep each other. It was unconditional love and friendship that always make us stay.

On our 38 months of being together, I have experienced countless heartaches. And for sure, he had experienced a lot, too. Every misunderstanding hurts us. Every argument wounds both of us. But those, of course made us stronger. We’re like other couples who quarrels about big and petty things and we get angry when something beyond each others temper happened. We,too shared happy moments, laughters, tears, griefs, and sorrows. We’re mad at each other now but we’ll exchange “sorrys and i love yous” later. All feelings are always shown,either good or bad, and most importantly, all secrets are unkept. Respect and trust are really important in keeping the love for each other alive. Definitely!

Those are just few of the millions of reasons why we are strong. No, I am not doing this article because today is our monthsary, in fact, I’m still mad at him at this very moment for what he did yesterday. Anyway, i’ll be seeing him in a few minutes now to celebrate this wonderful 38 months together. wipee!
Yes, I easily get mad at him but this article proves how much I love him despite everything. I am mad but i definitely miss him. I love him not because he is my boyfriend, but because he is my bestfriend, my mentor, my everything…. Happy 38 months for both of us! Cheers!

trapped!

It’s getting dark and the rain’s starting to fall. you do not know what to do… you are confused and you are tired of making decisions. you want to go home but you want to stay either. you’ve been convincing yourself that everything is fine and all the things that have been bothering you lately are part of reality. until you realize that everything around you is lying. you were deceived by those things and it’s hard to escape now. so bad, nobody warned you that life, real life, could be this hard.

all this time, you’ve been thinking that everything is right until you were hit by someone. then you realize that everything was wrong…. you walked.. then you started to run. you do not know where to go. you just want to escape.

but this is life. you cried because you understand that you can never hide from it. you stand still and you see you dreams started to fade right before your eyes. they would never understand you. like what you want them to do. they have never been there. you are alone. you have nothing. you have no one.

A Repost

The Man Who Achieved Everything He Could
By Yuri Alkin

They say that once upon a time, there lived a man who wanted to achieve everything he was capable of achieving. He was obsessed with this desire. He ate, slept, and walked with one and only dream: to die, having accomplished every single thing he was able to accomplish. There were so many things he could do. He felt like the whole world could be his, if he only set his mind to it. At times, he was even horrified by the powers hiding in his mind and heart. He was certain-in fact-he knew that his potential had no limits. He knew that he could accumulate power that would dwarf the power of ancient kings; he knew that he could write books that would shake the minds of generations to come; he knew that he could invent things that would forever change the lives of millions of people. He lived, constantly feeling the power within-and that power knew no bounds.

There was only one obstacle: having such a potential, but only one life, he had to make a choice. He had to decide where to apply all of his enormous abilities. Making that decision was extremely hard, for any choice meant cutting off some future achievements. And so in the meantime, he went to school, graduated, found a respectable well-paid job, married, and bred children. And he spent every minute of his spare time trying to decide where he should apply all his might. Even though he was not interested in applying it to his work, his power was impossible to hide. He was successful in everything he touched, and he earned great respect of the people who worked with him. And all the while, he thought to himself: Imagine what I would achieve once I concentrate entirely on the area of my choice.

Time went by, and he grew older. Some roads he used to dream about became closed to him. But there was still so much he could accomplish. And he kept thinking hard while working, raising children, dealing with everyday problems, and knowing that his potential had no limits. And most people who knew him were of the same opinion, for it was impossible not to realize this, being around him for a while.

One day, a sudden chest pain made him come home early. He dragged his feet to the bathroom. There, feeling weak and empty, he looked in the mirror. A worn-out, gray-haired man stared back at him. But his eyes, though red and tired, were still full of unrealized potential. He peered into these eyes and, all of a sudden, realized one simple truth. The next moment, the pain pierced his heart again, and it stopped beating forever.

Everybody cried, even those who knew him only slightly. The pain of this loss was staggering. Not only had he been a good man but they also knew what great potential had died with him. True, he had spent his life trying to make the choice, but imagine what would've happened had he made it. After all, he was so close to making it, and he hadn't been that old. He could not have had this feeling of unlimited potential for nothing. His potential was truly unlimited. The choice was about to be made, and very soon he could have achieved anything. His life could have become a shining monument, which would have forever inspired future generations. What a loss! What a tragedy! They cried and cried and cried. And they didn't know what he had realized the moment before he died.

The truth that came upon him was rather simple. People only flatter themselves by thinking that they could have achieved this or that if not for such-and-such circumstances. Yet this is nothing but delusion. At any given moment, as long as you've been healthy and haven't been thrown into the midst of war, crime or forces of nature, you always achieve everything you can. You simply lack something that is necessary for achieving that goal you've never reached-a talent, a skill, willpower, a set of priorities, or something else. Like it or not, realize it or not, believe it or not, but you simply lack it. You just think you've got what it takes, and only these insurmountable difficulties have prevented you from reaching the ultimate heights. But in reality, what you don't achieve is something you're not capable of achieving.