Are you afraid?

I’m not.

I’ve been thinking how hard it will be to live without the things that you’ve already get used to in your life. It must be one of the hardest things that a person could encounter during his or her existence. Heartbreaking. Disappointing. Challenging. But as soon as I become emotional about this thought, I suddenly realized that these changes are needed in order to grow… and eventually survive to bigger and harder conflicts in the future. I saw all the advantages of failing for a specific thing and I somehow felt excited to experience ‘that’ change, but deep inside my heart, I sensed the fear that I never ever felt before. It was eating me alive.

I was cursing myself for planning of failing and I almost slap myself when I finally realized that I’m up to it. Ready. Boastful. Provoking. I once dreamed of having a life in a good and fair environment. Fortunately, I have found the path after trying the wrong ones. A path to the world that I’ve never thought existing. And after a long walk, I arrived there with full of hope… and I started to enjoy all the things that that world can offer. I never wasted a chance. Everything was taken.

After a very long time, I started to feel afraid, and I started to see the problems. Until now I’m not certain…. of what makes me afraid… of what’s bothering me… and of where do I want to end up. All I know is I am afraid and nothing and no one can help me but myself.

Suddenly, I see all the aspects in my life that I have never considered as wrong. I hate myself for being outspoken. I hate myself for being approachable. I hate myself for being too sensitive. I hate myself for thinking of revenge against some people who hurt me. And once again, I felt very immature.

But everything in me makes up my personality which I think, has been part of the problem. I’ve been in the highest state of paranoia. In the end of the planning process, I have concluded that I’ve been ready to fail… but I can never deny the fact that I don’t want to be in the losing end. I’m no longer afraid. I am ready for everything no matter how hard every consequence will be. I ended up planning out of the best things that that world may provide but I continue to look at the possibility of failing in the future. It may sound ironic. But I’ve been contented with the way I view my life…. and I’ve been applying that philosophy in all the things around me.