order no. 713xxxxx

Random things for random people.

• Hey, you're such a good person...you made me hate myself so much. Thank you for your presence... and for everything.
• Where do you get your strength? Do you cry at nights too? I'm glad I have you in our lives. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
• I will never forgive you nor forget you. Forever. In fact, everything is mapped...especially for you.
• Be good. Don't admire me. Just listen to everything I say.
• I may not be able to show you my affection, but you know what kind of person I am. I'm proud of you...you have no idea that I look at everyone with tears in my eyes. I love each one of you. I swear to God.
• What were you thinking when you started to ruin everything? I am what I am right now because of you. Damn, I still love you.
• I wish I could tell you, but I can't. So don't ask again because I will never change my mind.
• Don't make fun of me, idiot. You don't know me well.
• Don't say any thing about me... even the best adjectives in the dictionary.
• I wish I were you. I wish I could be like you. You cause depression so I wish you'd get lost and never come back.
• You're the reason why I believe that God still wants me to be happy. I never imagined that such kind of friendship is possible. I thank God for our team.
• When will be my turn? Is there anything for me? You must be preparing it right now. Take you time. I'm still on the process of learning the art of patience.
• Hey, thanks. You're the closest companion I have today. Be brave. I wish you all the best on earth.
• I miss you. Where did all those things go? We've lost so many things already. I hope we could still pick up the pieces, but I'm hopeless. Anyway, I'm still in for some jamming and drinking sessions. Just in case you like.
• I'm disappointed. I heard something deppressing and confusing from your mouth and I knew that this moment will come since then. Thank you for sharing what you know. I will never forget you, anyway. Never.
• What's the point of seeing again?! Oh maybe we could meet again so I could tell you that there's nothing to hope for... and that I'm sorry because I had never given you at least a pea size part of my heart. Sorry. Really.
• I heard you're happy. Good. At least you have someone to accompany you when you go to hell. This is not bitterness...this is madness. On the other hand, I must thank you. Were you the one who taught me the two most important things on earth? Love and Music. I'm happier now, just so you know.
• I have nothing against you. Don't be too ambitious. I haven't gone down to your level yet. No, I will never do that.
• I'm so proud of you. Your existence makes me believe that everything is possible...and that I'm alive and capable of doing something worthy. Keep on shining!
• I'm boyfriend-ed...and I, definitely, am not interested.
• You're always on the right time, but I will always be the wrong person. But thanks, buddy, really... for your time and effort.
• Shot shot shot! I wanna throw up! :p
• You're a blessing. Someday you'll understand why I need to be in denial all the time.
• Are you numb, guys??? Hello! I want you to get out of our lives.
• Everyone has darker sides, so don't treat me as if I'm abnormal.

a letter to You

Dear God,

Here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone. It's supposed to be good but it sounds strange to me in some ways. Have I told you before that I'm in ecstasy whenever I hear the name? And I'm dreaming that I would gain something from that someone someday. Whatever it is that make me satisfied, I don't know. I don't wanna know.

I hate the words from the mouth of that person, they make me weak. Every word crawls to every smallest part of my vein, like electricity... always in for the kill. But the sound of that voice penetrates my pores, making me tremble, making me faint... worst, making me shout and cry for so much joy. Sometimes, that voice makes me want to vomit, but that rarely happened. No, that never happened. Because all words were absorbed, even the softest sound, even the periods, and the comma, and the exclamation mark of every statement. Words suck my strength until I could move nor cry no more.

They say it's illusion. Who the hell said that? I say it's foolishness. And being insane is far better than hopeless imagination. I'm crazy. If that's the only excuse to keep myself away from reality, I'd embrace it. With all my heart. With my body and soul.

Then, I heard it. I heard the calmest sound on earth... and everything turned blue. No, everything turned red. It soothes the pain and uneasiness in the marrow of my bones. Oh please, I don't want this to be real. Let it go back to where it came from and visit me in my dream. That voice is the sweetest dream ever,I want it stay that way.

God, are you kidding me?
Someone told me that dreams are dreams because they can't be real. But as I grow old, I become aware that that fact does not conform to the real scenario in this world. So bad. I once dreamt of that voice, and it's becoming real. I was hesitant, but it appeared right before my eyes, inviting, loving, soothing. Hey, are dreams made to be real?

And now, here I go again.
I'm dreaming of someone... with that calm and loving voice. With the sound of life and endless affection. Something goes right and that voice would remain at peace. When everything gone wrong, the voice still remains. Indeed, a weird voice. A weird personality.

As days pass by, I become more ecstatic and confused with the presence of that sound. Abstract yet visible. It continues to shed light to my dark soul. It steals my consciousness. It keeps me alive and dead at the same time. I hate it. No, I love it.

I have one wish, and I hope You would listen and put the joke on me... if answering a weird prayer would mean a serious joke. Of all the dreams I had in my sleep, I wish this one, the voice of that someone, would remain a dream forever. Please, don't make this real... for real always has an ending. It always has a limitation. It restricts everything. So keep it in me, through my dreams.

Please let me give my trust fully. Let me listen to that voice with no hesitations in mind and fears in my heart. Let that voice serve as your bridge through me. I'm afraid but I'm still willing to listen. Despite the broken heart.

Could I possibly have it? That one wish? Yes, I know you know better. It's a wish. Just like a daughter wanting a rug doll from her mother for Christmas. Just like an unsold pair of shoes in the store, wanting to be owned by someone. I just want something to remain part of the ordinary.

And here I go again.

I'm dreaming of something real.

Something that is already an inch away. A word away. A world away.

Can I have it forever? I know it's willing to stay... so I'm the one who needs to be healed. I need your encouragement. And I need its presence.

As for now, let me dream. And make it real when I'm done closing the darkest door of suffocating past.

I'm dreaming of that someone now... everything is perfect... it's scary..it's so real. I will dream until I get lost.


Love,
Your beloved daughter

No Title

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia:	Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

The table above is the result of my depression test which I've taken today... after I finally realized that I've been feeling restless these past few weeks/months for no apparent reason. Actually, I'm worried but not sure if this is because I have a lot of things to think about or just worried because I've been just insanely feeling worried.

Honestly, I cannot tell the problems, not because I don't want the people around me to know what those problems are but because I am not really aware of what are the things that have been bothering me lately.

Have you ever felt like talking about something to a close friend but cannot even tell what specific problem you'd like to point out until you decide to keep your mouth shut because you're just being stupid and tired of thinking what to say? So I'm perfectly insane today... Because I'm surrounded by friends and loved ones but I still feel alone. Maybe I'm afraid... I fear seeing them laugh when I say that I'm being hunted by ghosts. Besides they'll never understand so I cannot see the point of trying to talk about how depressed I am and why I am having that feeling.

I even hate myself for hating other people when they're giving conclusions why I've been acting tired, restless, or irritated these past few days. As if they know what I am going through. They would say, 'oh, you feel that way because you do this and you do that, and that's wrong, and this is right, and you must do this and you must avoid that'. Of course, I cannot blame them, they say those things because I don't say what's on my mind. See? It's just getting bigger and confusing everyday.

People would say I'm 'physically present, mentally absent' at all time, and would suggest that I'm having a problem because there's a certain issue in my life that I should not be doing or even thinking right now. B***s**t. I wish I could shout and tell them to leave me alone,.. maybe they could see the current situation, but they would never ever see the background and root of everything. I won't allow them.

I hate to see them worrying,too. But there's no way out.

Well.

I was asked if I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night... if I feel like crying for no reason at all... if I wake up in the middle of the night or before the proper time to get up... if I'm having a hard time concentrating on a specific thing... if I often feel restless... if I think that life is no longer worth living.... and so on and so forth. Well, all that things happen to me and there is definitely an explanation behind that but I would of course say, despite the fact that I respond to those questions was the "most of the time" tab in red colour and bold letters, I happen to feel those because I apparently am not aware why I become stocked in this situation.

And so, to sum it up, I'm deeply depressed. Period.


Anyway, I created a new account in other blog site. I'd like to write my other pensamientos there. I just noticed that this account is full of angst and grievances and I would like to write something else. But because I'm not mentally, emotionally, and physically okay right now, I cannot start blogging there yet. I'd like to write about anything under the sun...everything, as long as it's not personal. I want to feel free at least through writing. Free from everything.

insignificant

so unhappy.

so dissatisfied.

so numb.

too conscious.

just few more days and everything will fall into pieces.

few more hours of being insane.

being suffocated by polluted wind.

running out of reasons to keep on living normally.

running after nothing.

hiding from no one.

physically alive.

mentally dead.

hating everything.... and everyone.

about to explode.

nothing. no one.

trapped.

a pain in the a**.

unhealthy.

someday...

the surrounding will go back to how it used to be. so __ ___.

...thoughts.

... pensamientos.

*not a love story. not a serious blog posts either... just a corny joke.

Filipino woo-man

Just this morning, another controversial issue about Governor Chavit Singson was being discussed on television. I don't watch TV often because I am paranoid and I've been thinking that I have a high level of mean world syndrome, so in order to feel safe, I'd rather avoid watching television shows especially news programs.

I wasn't listening at first when I saw him on screen, I'm used to seeing Mr. Singson on TV explaining his side regarding national issues, but he was talking about something different this morning. According to the news, the former governor had beaten up his common law wife when he found out that she is having an affair with someone else. The woman sued the former governor of Ilocos Sur and accused of whipping her. As expected, the women's federation reacted on the incident and suggested the woman (whom they call Che) to file a domestic violence case against him. Mr. Singson's conversation with the TV host was somewhat funny or irritating. He was very safe with his answers and mock the host when he doesn't want to answer the question. He would say, "Bakit mo tinatanong, abodago ka ba?" or "Dapat mangyari sayo, para maintindihan mo.".

Mr. Singson would constantly say "Mabuti nga, hindi ko sila pinatay eh" in between his answers to every question that was being thrown to him.

I have few questions that I would like to raise now :What difference does it make when he betrayed his friend, Joseph Estrada that led to his forced resignation as president few years ago? Yes, you may say, these situations are two different things, and as a Filipino, I should feel glad that there is Chavit Singson to open the darkest cave of lies and corruption during Erap's administration. I've been hating Erap ever since, and I hated him even more when he ran for presidency, won, and being kicked out for stealing the fund of the Filipino masses. But this is not to say that I love Chavit for revealing all the wrongdoings of the former president. He may have served as the key to oust the cheat of the nation but I still never liked him for that. And now, there he is, complaining how deceitful his lover was for making him believe that she loves him when she was just needing his money from the start of their relationship. Well, we have a saying, 'when money talks, everybody listens.' Apparently, he and his colleagues have been having the best conversation with dollars and pesos. Why should I include money on this post? Simply because, Chavit was talking about huge amount of pesos during his conversation with the Umagang Kay Ganda TV host. Amazingly huge amount of money, enough to feed the street children, enough to build a school, enough to save the nation. Tsk, Chavit's woman might have probably been lying on a bed of cash, eating with a golden plate, and living on a glass house, enough to see the whole city and the faces of the people passing by and staring at their big mansion. A home where everything is visible... no wonder, she was able to see another man.


The second question is not an argument of how powerful Chavit Singson is to be capable of killing someone who did something offensive to him. It is an argument of who is what. The issue of domestic violence is highly considered and recognized on this case. Who found someone else? Who cheated? And who should take the blame for cheating behind someone else's back?

My man said, "Dapat lang mabugbog, nanloko eh".

A joke. Half meant.

So I asked, "So you mean to say you're going to beat me up if you find out that I'm having an affair with another man?"...with my hands on my waist.

"Why, are you going to find someone else?"

"Of course not".

"What if you will be the one to cheat, how am I going to beat you, you're stronger than I am".

A joke. With deep realization.

Apparently, I realized that the society still has and will always has a social hierarchy of gender. When Mr. Singson was asked if he is having an affair with other woman, he answered, "She knows that". What the heck! So why didn't his wife beat him up? Doesn't he deserve a whipping too?

Nostalgia and Paranoia Attack = Emo-syon

Attention: This post is too serious that you might think that the author is a total stranger. I might sound emo (duh!) if that is what you call to the person who rarely write something different about herself. You may also be surprised by the content for I never mentioned some parts of this blog entry before. So just read them , because you will never hear it from me in person. haha!

There it goes....

I always have a reputation of being independent. My family and friends have been telling me how hard-headed I am specially on those issues where I need to be more careful and sensitive. Ooopps, don't get me wrong. I'm not proud to say this, but the people around me seem to be surprised in every action or every statement that I say and do which often result to negative impression. So, if you're reading this and you do not know me, you might think that I am a rebel and misunderstood. But no, whether you believe it or not, I have a lot of friends and my family loves me so much. If there's one thing that I'm always proud of, it is the idea that I have a lot of people that I know would never fail to back me up in my worst time of the day. So when people raise their eyebrows on my behaviour, I'm not bothered... those people who love me for I am are aware that I talk, act, and even dress the way that will be comfortable and satisfying for myself.

If I sound arrogant sometimes, this is not because I just want to hurt somebody's feelings. Yes, I sometimes talk carelessly, but because of the type of environment I grew up to, and the things happened in my life before I reached this age, I learned to be more sensitive of other's emotions. So, I also learned to be more sarcastic (sarcasm doesn't help all the time, but on certain issues, yes.) rather than be honest when I want to point out something that would break the heart of others. And until this moment, I think it's more effective.

I grew up with rage in my heart. That is something that will never ever be eradicated from me until death... unless I let it go. But those traumatic incidents resulted to more conflicting ones which made me plant more rage as I grow old. On the positive light, I became mature... and I have set in mind that I could never be the person that I am now if those things did not happen in my life....our lives. At least, I am aware that some bad incidents provide good results at the end. But, the end will never justify the means. And so, the rage planted more roots in my heart.

That is the reason why I hate rejections.
.... failure.
.... unanswered questions.
.... judgemental minds.
.... unrequited love.

I shared everything, the story of the past and my feelings toward the situations today to only one person. Aside from God, I know everything would be safe on that person. No, it's not that I am ashamed (somehow, yes), but I do not really want to open the topic or even look back at those moments, it breaks the life that I forced to be as organized as I can. The very thought of it breaks me into pieces... and I haven't gotten over it yet. No, I will never get over it. Never. My life sucks. And I'm trying to live like a normal human being. No past. No future. Though, I'm aiming to have a brighter tomorrow for I've been living in the dark for ages.

So here I am now, product of the past, with fears and ambitions, rage and expectations. The person who knows everything would say "Enough, let it go. Free yourself from it." My heart would respond, "You just don't understand, I want to be free myself, but the ghosts do not want to let me."

Bitterness. Revenge. Wounds. Avoidance. Hesitations. Paranoia. Those moments marked these things in my mind. And I know, these things imprison me and hinder me to live freely. I wonder what I was in my past life and what I will be in my next.


Yes, the world changes and so the people and other elements included in it. Somehow, I changed... but the things happened yesterday remained the same. Too bad. I changed my perceptions in life, but the history which has been the foundation of my identity and my personality had been written. It will never ever change despite all the prayers that I used to say before I sleep at night. God has a purpose. I'm not yet ready to know that purpose.

And today, I'm a grown up. One day, I realized that I'm no longer a kid. I learned to let go of the things that I know would be better in someone else's hands, cry in silence, say words that are soft but would bring a lot of meanings to their ears, and stand like I never got wounded. But one more thing that I learned out of the things happened as I grow up is to expect for the good things to end. It has been my biggest fear. It may sound positive on some issues specifically the unstable ones, but it also affect my perspectives as a human being. My mind is always ready for heartbreaking scenarios... it kills the pain and expectations. It's like a comfortable hug from a friend when you are in distress... after a while, you know, it would end. They would eventually move backward. Like a kiss when you want to escape for a while and feel the love of a special someone, you know, it would end... it should only last for a second.

So I learned to do things on my own... face troubles on my own... and ease the pain without others knowing that I am hurt. Unfortunately, those things are more painful. When I think that I can do everything on my own, I'm becoming more violent inside.

I never get emotional about serious matters. When I have the authority on specific subjects, I rarely use my emotions to solve conflicts. And like what I said earlier, it has been more effective... but I always get an impression of being approachable but stone-hearted. Yes, ironic.

The past and the people around me, friends and enemies, teach me well. The people that I admire make me set standard for myself. I become more ambitious. And I began to love myself more. The admirers (not suitors) make me ashamed of small contributions and lesser knowledge. So I become more ambitious. And I began to strive for more. My buddies, who have seen me in my ups and downs, provide room for fun and confessions. These people open my eyes to see the real world and say things that would either encourage and discourage me to do what I want. No, they never told me what to do, but at least they serve as inspiration and guidance in making decisions.

I do not give and ask for advice because I hate invading other's privacy... I believe in the saying "do not do unto others what you do not want to do unto you." So I do not give unasked advice too, I always think it will be trespassing someone else's privacy... I always ask for opinion when I think I need some guidance. It's been important that I hear their thoughts about my actions and my plans despite the fact that the people closest to me always tell me that my pride eats me out. They say I have a huge ego... bigger than I thought.

Needless to say, my plans are already properly mapped. It already has arrows and instructions on where to go to and how to reach those goals. Ironically, my heart and mind have been separated ever since this journey began. My mind wants to go there, but my heart wants something else. My mind always wins... and I'm glad. However, recently, I realized that I'm beginning to listen to what my heart wants to say. I'm starting to convince myself that happiness is far better than any achievement that a person could get. So this makes me hesitant... and this makes me stop dreaming for a while. No regrets. But I feel millions of reasons to be worried. And that make a lot of difference. Suddenly, my pride gave me enough courage to do something that is not included in my plan. I gambled... and the game has just started. Somehow, I blame myself for being such a jerk. Do I know what I'm doing? Definitely, yes. I'm losing something over something. Then, I realized that it's my life... and nobody can control this other than myself. However, I was attacked by the thought of being me, what if I don't want this any more? Am I just going to throw it all away? Maybe. Natural order of things. again.... for me. All things would eventually end... and people would definitely die... I'm no exception.

After reading this, you might say "Ah, kaya pala". You might probably look back at those moments when I speak my mind freely, ignoring the reactions of other people, leaving them admiring or hating me, and trying to keep my composure in the middle of commotion. No, don't conclude yet, this is just part of the story. What I am in front of my family and friends, or even in front of strangers is real... no mask. I only have secrets, but the person that people see in me expresses natural behaviors. I still belive in the theory of "the I and the me", though.

I'm growing old... I'm getting older everyday... and everything is getting more serious. The black hidden agenda hinders liberty. I would assure myself that when I die, I could tell everyone that I had a great journey. And today, I'm living my life to the fullest!

sweet August

I am in big trouble right now. My friends are right, August is a very remarkable month. Personally, it has been the most awaited month since Jake and I got together. I've been waiting for this month to come because, like others, this is the time when my significant other and I could celebrate another year of having a healthy relationship. But this year is totally different. August seems to give the hardest slap that we can ever experience in our entire lives. No, I'm not just talking about our relationship, I'm talking about the things happened these past few days that ruined the days and broke the hearts of the people that are important to us. The start of this month has been full of controversies, conflicts, and unexpected things. This is definitely one hell of a month!

Don't get me wrong, Jake and I have no problem with our relationship. At least I could say that everything is smooth between us now. What made August a month to remember are the stories of the people around us and the decisions that Jake and I need to make for ourselves. This is unquestionably the toughest month of the year. I heard the problems of my friends, and I've been confused these past few days because of the things that I cannot open to just anyone, except to my friends who could definitely understand my worries. I couldn't say that I just need a moment to regain my strength and look forward again to the latter part of this month because it would definitely take our whole lives to forget the situations that we are in right now and live according to what these unexpected events brought us.

Right now, I am not in a good condition. I am physically fine, but my mind has been tired of thinking about things that I thought unnecessary, but now I feel that I need to make proper decisions to address those conflicts. Of course, I know what to do with these problems, but I still need to consider the people around me which makes it hard to decide. At first I thought everything will be as good as I imagined it to be. I thought it would be easy living my life to the way far different from what my parents showed me when I was young and innocent.

I know what I WANT to do. I know what I NEED to do either. In my situation right now, these facts are two conflicting ideas that wake me up even in the middle of the night. I know I need to decide before this month ends. No, not because 'they' are forcing me to make a decision, but because I want everything to be in the right place before I do the next action. Settled. No more unclosed conversation. Whatever happens after this long process of decision making, I am going to stand strong with what position I would choose. I know I am mature enough to be responsible with my actions. It is just a rhetorical question, but I could not answer yet.... not only because I am hesitant but because I know that I should not rush everything...specifically the very serious matters. So when the time is up and the decision making is finally over, I would be very confident with my answer... regardless of how many people would shake their heads in disappointment. But one thing is certain, when I answer, it will be forever. That moment would probably be the start or the end of something.

Jake and I are planning to go out of town at the end of the month. It will be a short vacation. How I wish we could go back to yesterday when we come back from that romantic vacation.